Rock Bottom

This past month has been a roller coaster. I don't remember a month that has been this stressful and exhausting. I haven't been this brought down in a long time, and I never wanted to go back to that feeling. And sadly, I was pushed back to that. And whenever I thought things were getting better, I was pushed back down again.
I feel like I'm being tested. Can I handle this pressure and pain on a regular basis? Will it ever get better? Will I ever be able to believe and trust again? At this point, I'm really not sure. I've been hurt so much and I really don't know if I can recover from it. I'm trying to keep my head held high and move on, but at nights, when I'm alone, I just want to cry my eyes out. Some days I feel like I'm just faking a smile just to get through the day. Most of the time I'm just existing, not really living. I know that's what I'm doing, but I don't know how to get out of that funk. I'm praying for strength, but so far I haven't received it yet. I'm trying to enjoy myself and move on with things, but at the end of the day, I'm back to feeling miserable.
I really don't know what to do. I feel lost and alone, even though people are here for me. I just want something to change, but I don't know how to go about it. I need help, and I need it immediately. I'm not asking my readers for advice but I'll take what anyone has to say.

Precious Time

This past week has been stressful and exhausting to say the least. And unfortunately, my waiting to know when Darren will be leaving has been extended another two months. I don't want to go into complete details about what has happened, but needless to say, there are now some trust issues between his parents and myself, and that is all I'm saying about that.
Now, we're just picking up the pieces of what has happened and trying to continue on with our lives. We're looking forward to seeing each other in December when I come back home and we can celebrate the holidays together.
I never thought I would end up preparing to wait for a guy going on a mission. I never thought I would ever date a Mormon. I'm not selective in dating when it comes to religion, but it was just something I never expected. But these things happen and you just have to roll with them, especially when you know that this person is right for you. It isn't easy to have an interfaith relationship, but we manage. We respect what each other believes, even though we may not agree with it.
However, there are those moments when I do wonder if what I'm doing is right. Should I be waiting for a guy who will be gone for two years and totally miss out on some of the biggest moments in my life? It may be selfish I know, but with my life I feel that I should be selfish somewhat. It's not that I want to be greedy, but I know that time is very precious. Every second that passes by is a second that we're closer to death. Yes it is a dark thought, but it is the truth nonetheless. You're closer to death now than when you first read this post. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, so I'll just get to the point of all this.
We can't take time for granted, and I want all of my time possible spent with Darren. He means too much to me and I don't ever want to be without him. I know he has to do this, and it will help him grow up as a person, but I want to physically be there, and not just be a letter once a week. I want us to grow together by doing things together and getting to know each other. We've been there for each other for every major event that has happened ever since we've known each other, and I don't want that to stop.
I finally found the one person that I want to be with the rest of my life, and I don't want to let him go. But I have no choice in this, so the next best thing is to be supportive of what needs to happen, even if I don't agree with any bit of it. Marriage is about compromise, and since I want to marry him, I might as well begin now.

My First Post (Darren)

so yeah i have been here the whole time contemplating whether to post or not and now i finally am doing it not for me but for my dear beloved Leah who i love more than anything in the world. and im not going to lie. but as i was getting on this "go the distance" from Hercules came on. which is describing how i feel right now

"I have often dreamed
Of a far off place
Where a hero's welcome
Will be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be

I will find my way
I can go the distance
I'll be there some day
If I can be strong
I know every mile
Will be worth my while
I will go most anywhere
To feel like I belong"

out of everything in the whole world my one wish is to be with Leah for the rest of my life
Nau ko`u aloha mau loa this is Hawaiian if your curious as to what it means it means "my love is yours forever" .... but this is my favorite phrase in Hawaiian because i want her to know that i love her ... and I'll be the one to never stop loving her ... for two years i have dreamt about me and her being together for the rest of our lives. and I've never felt like this with anyone ... after all we have been through together ... we've come so far together ... and I'm not going to let it go ... I'll be gone for two very important years of Leahs life ... and I'll miss the start of her starting PT school and when she graduates ... and I wont be able to take care of her for 2 years ... but when you look at it ... were young and in love and when ill be back we will both be in our 20's thats 70-90 long years of us being able to be close to each other everyday ... of us being together taking care of each other ... and i wont ever be doing something like that again.

Leah is my sweet, loving, caring, beautiful, amazing and perfect person that I literally dream about ... and I love her soooooooo much and i want her to know that ... everyone may be like oh thats cute ... I'm saying it because its true ... and i really do love her with all my heart

Kiss Kiss

I got to see him Saturday before Halloween. This is the third Halloween that we've spent together and worked at his neighbor's haunted pirate ship. It's always a bunch of fun, but this year was very interesting. They've expanded it into the backyard and added a few new things. It started off with the graveyard, then moved on into a cathedral where there was a funeral and an organ playing by itself. It then moved on into the swamps where you'll find crocodiles and Tia Dalma from Pirates (played by his mom). The next part is with vicious mermaids who make the journey into the Black Pearl a wet one. Inside the Black Pearl you'll find all the treasures that have been pillaged as well as a prisoner in the brig (with a dog holding onto the keys, of course). The final stop is aboard the Flying Dutchman, where the undead come to haunt all those who come aboard.
We always have fun with this, and Halloween really means something to us. We've had our first kiss on Halloween, and I can still remember it to this day. It was a little over a week after we started going out, and we only saw each other one time since then. I went to his house to hang out a little before we had to go over and work. We walked into his dining room. He leaned against the dish cabinet and I was beside him. He pulled me in close and I rested my head against his chest. Then he leaned his head down and softly kissed me. It was pure magic. It was a perfect first kiss, and one that I'll keep close to me always.

Anniversary

So today is mine and Darren's two year anniversary. Boy, was it the most exciting moment of my life. The entire day was absolutely perfect; I wouldn't change a thing.
This morning I was too excited that I couldn't sleep. I didn't start getting ready until he texted me telling me e was on his way. I had to make sure I looked perfect, and I did :) He finally got here and I just ran into his arms. I didn't want to leave them. Then I realized that he had cupcakes with him. He knows I love them so it was a great beginning. He walked up to North Campus (the pretty part of campus) and went through the Founder's Garden. It was very pretty. We got there before they started setting up for a wedding. Of course, I started thinking about the day when we will and I get even more excited. I want it to happen.
By then it was around lunchtime so we went to downtown to a local pizza joint called Transmetropolitan. I've been there many times before and this was his first time. The pizza, as always, is awesome. We then went to the botanical gardens nearby my school. They were GORGEOUS!!! It was so pretty and peaceful, I could have stayed there forever. We found a secluded place to ourselves surrounded by many plants. There was a bench there. We sat there and took some pictures. He then got up, and I followed. He then got down on his knee, pulled out a ring, and asked if I would wait for him. I was so surprised, I couldn't believe it. I said yes as he slid it on my finger. It was the best moment of my life.When we finished at the garden, we went to dinner at Outback. That was also an awesome place and we really enjoyed being there.
Overall, it was an amazing day. I wouldn't have changed one single thing that happened. Maybe if he was able to stay longer, but I enjoyed the time we had together. It was an anniversary worth remembering, and I will forever.

Come On Already!!

There hasn't been much to post in the past month, but I do have some news. He has to go through two more interviews before he gets his assignment, so we will know sometime in November. I'm ready to know. I just want to know already. On a positive note, his brother comes home in a couple of weeks. I remember when he left and it really didn't seem that long ago. Hopefully that will be the same for us.
Our anniversary is tomorrow and he is coming to school to visit. This will be the last time he comes to Athens but I'm ok with that. Just as long as I get him tomorrow I am happy. I won't be able to see him in November but hopefully I'll see him in December. I will post tomorrow night about our date.

Darren's Birthday

It was Wednesday, so I didn't get to see him. However, I did get to this past Saturday. He came up to visit me for a bit. I was so happy for him to be here. It's been a month since I last saw him so it was great to see him. We started the day together by watching Juno. I love the movie and he's seen it several times, and it was really nice to actually watch a movie in the same room together. After that, we decided to walk to Gigi's cupcakes, which has really good cupcakes (and in case you don't know, I have a cupcake fetish). Boy, were they delicious, and they love to put on the frosting. Once we got them, we went back to North Campus which is the prettiest part of campus, and sat on a bench by one of the fountains. It was a nice moment. The only regret is that I wish that we got a picture right then and there. But we will get it when he comes to visit next time, which will be our two year anniversary. After being in North Campus, we went to Red Lobster for lunch. Amazing as always. Those biscuits are to die for. For realz. During lunch, he told me that his parents do like me and have no problem with us getting married in the future. However, near the end, I realized that we only had an hour left before he had to go back home. That's when I started feeling sad. I hate the thought of him leaving, and by continuing to think about it, I made it worse. After we left, I started crying. I really cannot stand goodbyes with him. The moment he does, I feel all my happiness with him. I never cried in front of him before, but he was incredibly sweet and understanding. He held me the entire time from then until he left. He asked me to stay strong for him. I've been trying, and most days I'm really good at it, but those rare moments happen when I cannot hold it in any longer. Sadly, it had to happen when he was here. But at least I saw that he cared about me. I feel like it strengthened our relationship and brought us closer. And since it was his birthday, I made him a blanket. He loves it. He's slept with it ever since I gave it to him, along with my dream catcher necklace. I really cannot believe our two year anniversary is in less than a month, but I know it will be an amazing day.

Movie Date Night

These kinds of nights are tons of fun. How does it work out when you're living two hours away from each other? It's quite simple, really. What we do is pick a movie together that we want to watch. Usually, it's a movie he has and I try to find it on YouTube. And then we'll watch it together while on the phone together. We did this Saturday and Sunday nights and I wish we would have started this years ago. It's really nice, and it is as if we're cuddling into each others' arms watching it.

The first movie we did this with is Lilo and Stitch.

It's his favorite Disney movie and I find it to be absolutely adorable. It was a nice night with a bunch of laughs. Last night we watched The Pacifier.

Another Disney movie (see the connection here?). However, I don't think it'll be all Disney movies we'll watch. We do have other movies that we both love and want to introduce to the other. The purpose of the movie dates is to bring us together while being hundreds of miles apart. It adds more things to the list of things we have in common. The more that brings us together now, the stronger our relationship will be when he leaves. We need all the strength we can get, while at the same time, enjoying time with each other even though we're miles away.

Disney World Wedding

So we have changed our minds once again about the wedding, but I think this one is the most magical idea we've come up with. Yes, I am talking about having our wedding at Disney World. What could be better? I grew up with Disney as a kid, and I had some of the best memories at the park. It is true what they say: it's practically impossible to be unhappy at Disney. So what better place to celebrate one of the most important days in your life?
We are keeping orange and aqua as our colors with hints of purple and white. For the ceremony site, we are going to Epcot Morocco. We both love that it's exotic and would transport our guests to a whole new world (pun intended). For the reception, we are going under the sea with the Living Seas Parlor, also in Epcot.
I know there must be some speculation on how we're going to afford this, and I can say that it is possible to have a Disney wedding on a budget. First off, we're going to have a lunch reception at noon. Having a lunch or breakfast reception is much cheaper than dinner. Also, it allows our guests to see the rest of the park after we finished. With the guests, we can get them discounts on rooms and tickets, possibly more if we book them through AAA (and since we'll be residents of Florida, we can get more discounts). Speaking of guests, we're not planning on having that many people there. To get what we want, we need at least twenty people (including us) there. With decorations, we will make most of them. Seeing as we're probably going to be living in Orlando, we can easily transport centerpieces and decorations to Disney. We're also going to do the stationery (invitations, save-the-dates, place cards, menus, etc). Darren is working on that part. Perhaps the best way to save money is for us going in the off season. That means not going around any holidays or during the summer. It may take some planning to choose a right time that most of the people we want there to come, but we will figure it out.
We're very excited to make this happen. Hopefully this will be the last big change we make about our wedding. What we're hoping for is to have a memorable time and that our guests never forget it.

Concrete Day

So now we have a good idea of when Darren will leave. The earliest is December 1. So I have about four months with him. While it sounds great right now, it also means that he won't be home until around 2014. I'll be getting ready to start my third semester of physical therapy school. Right now, that seems so far away, which makes it seem him coming come will be forever. I know I have time with him right now and I plan on enjoying him as much as possible, but I do think about him coming back and us going to Orlando together for school and living there. I want that to happen as soon as possible. It could be worse, and it can get worse. He could be sent somewhere thousands of miles away where the mail system sucks and he can't email. I really don't want that. I'll be happy if he ends up somewhere with a reliable mail service. Email would be a nice perk but I'm not relying on that.
The good news is that Darren and I are about 50 days away from our two year anniversary. I can't believe we have been together that long. It really doesn't feel like it's been two years. Hopefully it'll be the same way for when he's gone. I do plan on keeping myself busy with school and activities as I've previously mentioned. Right now, things have settled down. I'm in a steady schedule with classes and work and different organizations I'm in. I'm going to make these next two years worthwhile.
As usual, I don't really have so much to say about things. Still have no idea where and when he's going, and I haven't seen him since I left for school. But, I will get to see him for his birthday later this month, and boy do I have something in store for him. I will not say it because he reads this and I don't want to spoil it.

Wait For You

I definitely feel that this has really become my theme song during this wait, and I found a video that describes us perfectly.

Craving Fall

Now, normally I'm a summer girl. I love the beach and wearing shorts and skirts and tank tops. But lately, I've been wanting it to be fall. I'm not sure why. Maybe it has to do with the fact that the summers in Georgia are excruciating and impossible to enjoy. Yesterday, however, the weather was gorgeous. It was very nice in the morning and evening. If I didn't have so much going on, I totally would have been outside all day enjoying it. After that, my craving for fall escalated. Suddenly I'm ready to wear pants, long-sleeved shirts, hats and scarfs. I'm excited to get dressed up and wear my hair down without sweating. I'm wanting pumpkin with cinnamon and whipped cream, and I don't even eat pumpkin! The taste of hot chocolate with mini marshmallows is in my mouth. Also, being a college student, the sound of ramen sounds pretty good right now. It's interesting that I am feeling like this. Perhaps it also includes that football season is right around the corner. I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm ready for fall. I'm completely ready for the different colored leaves and enjoying weather. I'm ready for Halloween and Thanksgiving, and celebrating my two year anniversary with Darren :) I'm totally excited for what the fall has to offer.

My Love

There really hasn't been much to report lately. I haven't seen Darren ever since I was home, which has been almost two weeks, and I've been busy with school starting up and getting everything ready. Yesterday has marked our 22 months, and today it's approximately 670 days. I cannot believe we have been together this long. We've had our lows; we've had our highs; we've had everything to deal with. And we're still together.
Honestly I can't see it getting better than him. He has been the most absolute sweetheart to me, even at times when I haven't deserved it. He supports me in my endeavor to becoming a physical therapist. He completely understands that I will most likely move out of state for school, and he is even willing to follow me wherever I go. He's my pillow when I need comfort, my tissue when I cry, my clown when I need laughter, my knight in shining armor when I need protection. I could continue on how much he means to me, and how much he does for me. I honestly don't know how I got so lucky with him.
I really don't deserve someone like him. I don't want to go into details, but I have not treated him so well. Let's just say that when I get mad, it gets worse before it gets better. The fact that he wants to stay with me no matter what, it makes me feel a bit undeserving of his love. He needs to be treated well, but he wants to be with me, so I have to change how I am. My anger is hard to control, and because of it, I have hurt him, which I never want to do. I love him to no end, and I do hope he sees that.
I've been working on a blanket for him ever since May, and I finally finished it. I think it looks good, and I think that he'll like it. I want him to take it on his mission with him so he'll always have something personal that I made just for him. I never made a blanket for any guy, so I hope he knows just how special he is to me. I don't know where I would be without him. Not only is he the love of my life, but he's my best friend. He's the person I talk to about everything, and he's always there to listen.
When I'm with him, it's like magic, especially when he kisses me. I seriously get a high from his kisses. I forget where I am and what I'm doing, and I keep wanting more. His hugs comfort me and make me feel safe. And he gives the best massages I've ever received. I love every single gift he has given me, and I've kept everything. I even still have ticket stubs from different movies that we've seen together.
Honestly I could go on forever talking about him. I wouldn't know where to end. All I can say is that I'm incredibly grateful to have him in my life, even if I haven't shown it much. I do hope he knows how I feel about him and that I'm committed to him now, when he's on his mission, and beyond that.

One Religion Does Not Fit All

*Note: This just my opinion. It is not meant to tell anyone what to do. How you take what I say is up to you, but please be respectful of what I have to say, and I will do the same for you. Thank you.


It's pretty obvious that this is true since there are so many different religions in the world. Every person has their own way of interpreting things about how someone should live his/her life. Does that mean one person is right and another is wrong? No. It's all about interpretation. Let's take the Bible for instance. Each Christian denomination that I know interprets it in their own way. Some may choose to follow one thing, others may choose to follow it another way. For example, the Eucharist. Catholics believe in transubstantiation. Pretty much that means Catholics believe that the bread and wine offered in the Last Supper actually becomes the body and blood of Christ. Some other churches may believe that the bread and wine (or whatever they use in replace of wine) is more symbolic. That doesn't mean that one faith is right and one is wrong.
That's what I find to be difficult with different faiths. There are people who will bash other religions just because it isn't theirs. The thing behind it is that most people are ignorant of other religions. I think some are scared to learn about different faiths because they are worried that they will end up converting. For one, if you are very secure in your faith, learning about another shouldn't be intimidating. Secondly, if you do find yourself believing the other faith, is it really a bad thing? Is it so bad to finally be yourself and not hide the true you? Yes there may be bumps in the road but at the end of the day, it's what you believe, not what others believe.
As I have mentioned before, I grew up in the Catholic faith. My whole family's Catholic. I never really knew much about different faiths until I was about ten. When I was in high school, I began to question my faith. Was I Catholic because I wanted to be, or was it because that is what my family wanted me to be? With that, I started looking into other churches. Eventually I did realize that this is the church I believe in. However, just because it's right for me doesn't mean that it's right for everyone.
I've never been fond of religion bashing. A person's religion a lot of the time helps shape them into the person that they are. It gives a person morals, and to me, when a person does that, it's wrong. Yes there will be things that you don't agree with, but if there is one thing that I believe God wants all of us to do, it's be a good person. Celebrate and embrace the similarities among faiths. Learn the differences from the people who believe in it and try to understand their point of view. You don't have to agree with it; I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is just try to be respectful of different faiths, while at the same time, go with the faith that is right for you.

Whitewater

Since I'm home for five days before going back to school, of course I was going to see Darren while here. We both were getting tired of what we always do (movie and possibly dinner), so we decided to try something new. After some thinking, we decided on going to Whitewater. It's a nearby water park that both of us have been. It was definitely a fun and exciting time. We practically went on every ride there (I think we may have missed two or three rides). It was a beautiful day out. Also, since most of Georgia started school Monday, there weren't that many people there. There were hardly any lines for anything and it was an absolute blast. The most fun I think we had in a long time. Finally we were doing something active and we were able to talk about stuff. We practically stayed there the whole day. When we finished, we drove back near home and had dinner at Smokey Bones. Overall, it was an amazing day and I hope for more just like it.

2 Dresses

I know I won't be married for many many years down the road, but I can't help but start looking at stuff for my wedding. I started looking and getting ideas a little over a year ago and I've had fun with it. I looked at different locations, venues, entertainment, flowers, and much more. And of course, I have looked for a dress. Here's a little bit of background on what I want:
Since it is obvious that I won't be getting married in a temple, I wanted to have it somewhere that is a neutral setting, but still beautiful. For me, the beach is the most beautiful place. I love the ocean and when the sun sets on the horizon, it is the most breathtaking image ever. So for the beach, I want a short wedding dress. Something nice and cool and doesn't get dirty from dragging behind in the sand. For almost a year I had my eyes set on a dress. It was absolutely gorgeous and I could totally see myself in it. A couple of days ago, I just looked around for fun and my eyes fell on another beautiful dress. Short, but different from the first one.
It's difficult to choose, and I can only get them online. Because they are short, it will be cheap. The first dress I found costs $167, and the second dress I can loan a sample size online for about $35 and then go to a local store that sells that particular dress (actual price I'm not sure of). Is it possible that I can get two dresses? I'm sure I can wear both of them over and over, and I can have fun with them. I know there's a good chance that they'll be out of style by the time I do get married, but it doesn't hurt to look now. And Darren has seen them so I have no reason to hide them. He just won't know which one I'll choose.

Dress 1

Dress 2

Keeping the Faith

Yesterday, Darren came to visit me at school, and this past Friday was our 1 year, nine month anniversary. We got to see Harry Potter (which was amazing I must say, and a little bittersweet). After that, we went to a grocery store to get some food and stuff to make s'mores. They were delicious I must say. But just having that time with him and cuddling on the couch, I knew that I want to be with him. I always feel that way when we're together. Whenever I see him I just know that I'm meant to be with him.
He's a total sweetheart to me. As a surprise, he made me two clay butterflies, painted and all. He told me that he feels that butterflies symbolize our relationship. I was unsure of what he meant by it, until I looked up butterfly symbolism. Transformation is the main symbol, but another one is faith. He and I will be going through a lot of change in the coming years, and we will grow to become a better version of ourselves. During that time, it is important to keep the faith in our relationship strong. We have to stay strong and trust each other in order to make this work. Yes, there have been times where I wanted to give up, and he won't let me. He knows we're meant to be, and he continues to remind me. I do worry about the changes that are about to come. I know that there are possibilities of everything changing between us, but if we do end up with what we planned, then it will be worth it.
Yesterday, I finally got him to understand the importance of us waiting a few years after he comes home to get married. He's realized that to have the wedding we want, we need to save up money, and it's difficult to do so if we're both in school in a different state and with part time jobs. Luckily, he'll be done with school just as I am finishing up so we can both be in the workforce at the same time. I feel that it is important for us to have some stability first. I don't want to spend the first couple of years in complete debt and continuing to request student loans to pay for everything. It's just too much for us to handle with being students. I'm just glad that we're finally on the same page about this. This helps me know that we can work this out. I know that we will be together for about six years before finally getting married, but I know we're not ready now, and we won't be ready immediately when he returns. However, this is what is right for us, and I know he can get through it.

It Just Doesn't Go Away

There has been trouble in paradise. I've had days where I just wanted to give up and never look back. This hasn't been recent for me. Actually, it has been ongoing for years. It's something that I've rarely told people about me, but I feel like I shouldn't hide things anymore. I've hidden behind a wall that I've built up for so long, and it's time to tear it down.
I've been depressed ever since I was fourteen. However, I've never been diagnosed depressed. I never let anyone look at me, nor did I feel the need to. I thought it would pass away eventually. Obviously, it didn't. A lot of changes happened to me that caused my depression. My first boyfriend broke my heart badly (broke up with me for another girl). I was moving from a place that I called home for almost five years to a new area. It was the longest I ever stayed in one home and so many memories were made there. Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled. I wanted to go to high school with my friends. Instead I had to make new ones. It wasn't too terrible at the new school. I still wasn't happy, but I managed. I became good friends with some people, and I'm still in contact with them today. I rejoined band, and that school had an amazing band program. There was a guy who showed interest in me. However, I couldn't show interest back. My time there was short-lived.
Right after freshman year, we moved again. I really wasn't happy with this one. People were rude to me the moment I got there, and it wasn't easy making friends. I automatically joined band, but that also showed difficulty in making friends. This school only had grades 10-12, so I had to start at the bottom of the totem pole once again. Majority of my friends that year were seniors so they graduated at the end of that year. Junior year was a little better. I became closer to some people. I got back with my ex. That was a long and difficult journey. To condense it, it was long distance, we fought all the time, and it made me realize I was an idiot for thinking of wanting a future with him. I wasn't a good person with him. I rebelled against my parents and it affected my relationship with them. Thankfully I didn't do something incredibly stupid. We mutually broke up and never talked again. I dated someone new as a rebound, but I only saw him as a friend, so that lasted only three months. Still, I wasn't happy there. In fact, I was probably most miserable there. I knew I was considered an outsider and was stereotyped as stupid in the beginning since I moved there from the South.
I would spend many nights crying myself to sleep those years. It never felt like I was actually living. More like me just going through the motions. There were times when I wanted to take a razor blade to my wrists or starve myself. Thankfully, I was given the strength not to do so. Senior year I moved back to Georgia. That year was the best by far. I was happiest then. I made tons of friends. I met Darren, who taught me how to love again. I believe that we were meant to be in each others' lives. He always made me smile whenever he was near. He gave me comfort. With him, I felt safe and loved. I was ecstatic when he and I started going out. It was a dream come true.
The dream was hard to hold onto with me being in college when we started going out. It was a distance relationship, but continue to see each other whenever I came home. But college got the best of me. I became stressed about classes all the time. I wasn't really involved since I knew I was going to transfer, but it still didn't make things better. I continued to be depressed. It got worse when Mike died. I never fully recovered from that. To this day, I still cry about it, wishing that it was a dream. I transferred schools this past January. I really thought that this would be my time and that I would finally be happy. Instead, I became more stressed about school, and it really affected me. I would freak over the smallest things, escalating it higher than before. I had tons of breakdowns. I constantly worry about doing well in school and making it through all this. This concerned my family and Darren. I wasn't happy anymore. I forgot what it meant to be happy. And it was my doing. I gave up things that I enjoyed so much. I allowed petty things tear me down. I made my self-confidence diminish. I tried so hard to change it, but depression isn't something that goes away overnight. It stays a long time, and it affects you and those around you. I don't want to be depressed, but I'm lost in what the first step will be to reverse it. I want to wake up smiling and keep that smile all day and not fake it. I want to be truly happy again.

Lucky With Him

I know I posted just a bit ago, but this is something I just wanted to share. A few days ago, Darren and I were thinking of names for our future children. We came up with some pretty good ones. For a boy we both liked Zack and Aaron. For a girl, we liked Taylor and Melissa. He then asked me if I still liked Steven Michael. Steven Michael was a name that I came up with over a year ago. I just like the name Steven, but Michael is named after one of my closest guy friends. I met him my junior year of high school. He was a senior and he became like an older brother to me. After graduating, he joined the Marines and was deployed to Afghanistan in October 2009. He and I kept in touch until he was deployed. We would talk in the summer and he always looked out for me. On February 1, 2010, just four months after his deployment, he was killed by a roadside bomb. He was only 21. It was devastating. I was never really the same after that. It was the first time that someone really close to me has died. I spent a whole week crying because of it. Sadly I was unable to attend his funeral since I was in Georgia before he left. Darren stood beside me that whole time. He comforted me, even though he didn't really know what to say. He just wanted me happy, like he always does. He wants me to be the happiest girl ever. He definitely made me happy by remembering that, especially since his memory isn't the greatest. He said that Steven Michael felt right for our first son. Like it's meant for us. It's purpose to remind us to be good people and be there for others and make a difference in others' lives. For this, I am greatly thankful for Darren. Despite our ups and downs, this one moment showed how much I mean to him and how much he loves me. I couldn't ask for more.

Tired of Waiting

I want to know already where he's going to go. I want to start preparing for that part. However, I can't because he has yet to turn his papers in. I really shouldn't complain. I should enjoy the time I have with him right now, even though it is few and far between. However, it doesn't change that I want to know where he's sent. That way, I can prepare myself for seeing how often he and I can send letters, if he'll be able to send emails, if he'll be in a safe area or not. I worry about this stuff a lot. I feel like I'm in a limbo where I want to move forward but I'm stuck knowing that he'll be leaving, but not knowing where and when he's going. He turns 19 in 2 1/2 months. It'll be here before I know it.
There's a part of me that wishes he was gone already. I would be used him being gone and not having to rely on him so much when I have troubles. I know I'll miss him, but I can't ask him to stay. Not anymore. It'll just make the entire thing worse. I enjoy my time with him, don't get me wrong, but I want the waiting to wait part to be over. I know two years can go by fast. His brother left a month after Darren and I started going out, and he'll be home in four months.
I know the secret to waiting. It's to not think about how many days he has left. Just live your life. Be involved, focus on studies, and have fun. Plus, it makes better for writing letters. It's not just his time; it's my time too. Thinking about this reminds me of the Bon Jovi song, "It's My Life." The lyrics are so true. This is my chance to be anything I want to be. Not just when he leaves, but right now. I can't let him leaving stop me from having the life I want. So really, not only am I tired of waiting to know what his future holds for him in the next few months and then couple of years, I'm also tired of not taking chances. I'm tired of not being who I really am. I've allowed myself to be depressed for so long, and for what? I gave up things that meant the most to me. The things that made me happy. So even though I still have to wait to see where he'll go, I'm done waiting for happiness to come to me. I'm done not being myself. I'm taking my life back to how it's supposed to be. I'll be creating a bucket list and putting it into a tab at the top. I'll make goals for myself and strive to live up to them. I'm done pleasing everyone but myself. God would not want me neglecting myself anymore, and I don't plan on disappointing Him with this ever again.

Something Missing

Wow, it's been awhile since I posted, but I've been busy with summer classes. Something that I've noticed ever since I started college is that my stress levels are out of control. I get angry about a lot of things, and I've lashed out on some people. I don't like that I'm doing this and I've been trying to fix this. The thing is, I don't have time to fix it. I have class everyday plus two labs a week so it's a lot for two months. Being in this high stress major plus work on top in the fall and spring leaves very little room for a social life. It's a problem. I don't have anything to do for fun. Sure, I have football games to look forward to just about every weekend, but I need something that I'm passionate about. Something that I will look forward to every week.
I started thinking about what I've done in middle school. That was when I was at my happiest. I was involved with a lot, had good grades, and tons of friends. My favorite school activities were band, theater, and soccer. I continued band and some theater through high school, but everything stopped when I hit college. I found myself not being involved at my first college because I knew I wasn't going to be there that long. I'm in my second semester at UGA and I'm still not really involved. I am in a Pre-PT club. Even though it is informative, it's not necessarily the most fun thing to attend. Thinking back to times when I was really happy, I decided to do something with theater. I miss it so much. I loved going onstage and being someone I wasn't. I was confident in myself and it carried through in other aspects of my life. I felt like I could conquer the world and no one can stop me. Except me. I stopped myself from doing things that I love, but not anymore. So I have decided to join an improv group at school starting in the fall. I think this is something that has been missing for almost two years. I have not been who I used to be, and I loved who I was. The more I think about it, the more I get excited for August to come and I can finally start. I have been miserable for too long, and I need my happy back.

Nothing is as it Seems

One of the first places we thought of for wedding venues was Key West, Florida. It was beautifully breathtaking in pictures. The hotels were gorgeous and it was tropical while still being in the States.
Sadly, things are really never what they seem.
Darren got the chance to be in the Keys today, and from what he told me, he was less than impressed. It wasn't what he expected. It had an old town feel to it, as if it was downtown of some city. And it acted like one too. All the shops close at five. My guess is for happy hour, and for his family, it will be a bit awkward. So right now they're going back to their hotel. However, that wasn't the worst part. There was a  swarm of mosquitoes. Everyone but him was getting bit (why mosquitoes leave him alone I have no idea). With this knowledge, I knew this wouldn't be the best place for me. I get bitten up all the time and it's never fun.
So, Key West is no longer a place of interest for us for our wedding. We still have Savannah and Atlantis, but there are still other beaches and resorts we can look into. It's sad because there was one hotel there that I absolutely fell in love with. Most particularly the decor. It was bright and colorful and it looked happy. Below I have pictures of it. Maybe I can use them as inspiration for my apartment in the future.
If I have learned anything from this, it is to check things out in person and not judge from pictures because some times they aren't the same.

It's My Relationship

I realized I have never really updated the situation about what has happened with Darren and me concerning our relationship being interfaith. Darren and I have talked about this. I asked him to be completely honest with me. Then I asked if he was 100% ok with me being Catholic. Not only did he say yes, but he said he prefers the interfaith relationship. We both have been raised in our faiths our whole lives, and never really had a say in what we're to believe in.
That being said, I have looked at other churches when I was in high school because I was unsure of what I really believed in. I looked at so many, learning more and more about each religion. What made me stay in the Catholic Church is because whenever I went to Mass, I felt this feeling in my chest. It was as if the Holy Spirit came inside me and filled me up. That is how I knew that this is where I'm supposed to be.
Back to what I was saying, both Darren and I like the interfaith relationship. It allows us to be more respectful of the other's faith while at the same time, being true to our own. Also, we like the fact of allowing our future children to choose what they want to believe. Like I said, he and I never really had much of a choice. Personally, I really don't care what religion they follow, just as long as they are good people, happy, and contribute to society in a positive way.
I'm sure some are wondering, "How are you going to make it work?" This is something that we talk about a lot. We both want to attend church together, and there are several ways to do so. One option is to attend each church every other week. Another way is with the fact that Mass is also served on Saturday evenings, but of course that may not always happen. We haven't gotten it completely down, but we're working on it. We also plan on compromising when it comes to certain holidays. With my religion, we have some days that are holy days of obligation, in which we must attend Mass. The two main ones are Christmas Eve and Easter. Another big day is Ash Wednesday (although it is not a holy day of obligation). He agrees that we will attend Mass on these days (plus, the Christmas Eve Mass is always so beautiful; I can't imagine not attending it). With him, there isn't really a time that going to church is absolutely necessary (other that a typical Sunday), but he is fine with it.
I can't stress this enough, but I am NOT preventing him from having an eternal marriage. It is HIS choice to be with me. If he wanted it so badly, he would be with a Mormon girl as we speak. I would not be writing this right now. Sure, he and I will still be friends, but that would be it. He wouldn't consider me anymore than that. But that is not the case. He wants to be with me. He's known since we were just friends that I'm Catholic just like I've known that he's Mormon. I may have pursued the relationship, but he didn't have to say yes. He didn't have to choose me. But he did. Looking into his eyes, I can see that he loves me and wants to be with me. We both like how things are with us, and that is all that matters. It's our relationship. The only other person in it is God. Other than that, it's really no one else's place to say what is right and wrong with it. I can understand if it's an abusive relationship, but it isn't. I don't tell you how your relationship should be, so please don't tell me how mine should be.

Think Positive

It's been awhile since I've written, but summer classes have kept me busy. However, that doesn't stop me from thinking about his mission. My feelings about him going really depend on the day. Some days, I am completely fine with it, and other days, I just want to handcuff him to me so he can't leave. Yesterday marked 20 months of being together. 20 months. Just 1/3 of a year shy of being 2 years, which is how long he'll be gone. During that time, our relationship will change. I just pray it will get better, and I can see how it will. We will definitely work on our communication. With the whole mission thing, we can't be mushy like we always are. Some mushiness will be nice, though. But we'll have to talk about things, and I want to do it in depth with him. I want to have a real conversation with him like we used to have when we were friends. He says he wants to know everything that happens. However, I feel a bit hesitant with that. Yes, I'll tell him important things that he would need to know (e.g. if I for some reason needed surgery, etc.). With the small things though, I don't want to distract him with stuff of that sort, like me having a bad day or getting a bad grade (unless I failed out of college; I feel he has the right to know that, but that will most likely not happen). So instead, I'm going to keep a journal where I record everything that happens in those two years and when he comes back, I'll have him read it. It'll take him awhile to get through it, but I know he'll appreciate it.

I'll have school to focus on so I'm not too concerned about doing nothing while he's gone. Like any MG, I will count down to when he comes home, but I don't want to do it by days. 730 days feels like an eternity. I will have an electronic countdown for that, but by hand, I want to do it by weeks and months. I noticed a lot of girls have done a paper chain, and I'm thinking that I want to do that. I'm still debating whether or not I want to do it by weeks or months. Either way, I'll write something on each chain. The first part will be how many weeks down and how many to go. The second thing will be something that I love about him, a favorite memory about us, lyrics to one of our favorite songs, etc. And when that week comes up, I will send it to him in a letter. Just something to make him smile and remember me. And I'll probably spray it with my perfume so he can remember what I smell like.

He got to visit me last Saturday, and it was absolutely amazing. We got to be alone together, and even started looking at Atlantis for our (praying this will work) wedding venue. We both love it but it will cost a lot of money. I want to wait two years when he comes home that way he can settle back into a normal routine, get into a community college to become an EMT, and we can both save up some money to make it happen. With me being in PT school when he comes back, I can really be anywhere. I'm currently looking at six different schools: three in GA, one in FL, one in SC, and one in NC. Four of these six schools have a nearby community college that offers EMT, so those will be my top choices. I feel that I should take him into consideration. I want to be with him and I want to be close to him when he comes back. He already said he'll move to wherever I am so I should at least be considerate in picking out where to live. I know a lot of people say not to, but even with him not in the picture, I will still be choosing these places; having a school nearby for him is really a bonus. More about the schools and my decisions with them will be on my other blog: Life as a Pre-PT Student (see side panel). However, with the wedding plans, he was expecting it about three months after he comes back. I wouldn't be able to handle that. So much goes into planning a wedding and three months in not much time to plan one, especially a destination wedding. Maybe we'll be able to come up with a compromise and figure out something that will work with the both of us.

Two years. Seems like a lot, while at the same time, feels like nothing compared to the rest of our lives. Sometimes I feel like it will be torture but good for us at the same time. It will help us become better people. We'll learn patience, communication, and really appreciate one another. Even though I would love for him to come the community college near me right now and us able to see each other all the time, I am really beginning to believe that these two years will have a positive impact on our relationship. I'll just have to keep thinking positive this whole time, which will probably include inspirational quotes all over my bedroom and bathroom mirror and an alarm that says "you can do it" for 22 seconds which I have gotten from this:

 I'm sure I've put it on the MG website before but we can always use a little reminder :) I hope this all inspires you!

Risks

Every decision has them. But none are like deciding to date a Mormon guy (or girl). This is relevant to people who aren't part of the Mormon faith. Personally, I do not have a problem with the faith; I just don't believe in it. This can cause friction in a relationship, and it has done so before in my relationship with Darren. A few months after we started dating, he began talking about eternal marriage, and in order for that to happen, I would have to convert. Boy, was I angry at him then, but mainly, I was hurt. How could he have asked me that when I'm a devout Catholic, and he's known this about me since we were friends? I had a feeling that this relationship wasn't going to last. Before, the different faiths weren't that big of a deal with us. Then this came up and it felt that he was trying to change who I am. However, we talked about it and he apologized for it. The subject never came up again.

I can't be totally mad at him though. He was brought up with the belief of eternal marriage, so it's only natural that he would want it. But I was hurt with it. I never asked him to convert to my religion, so why would he do that to me? Yes, it would be easier to be in a relationship with someone of the same religion, but to change just for the other person isn't going to make things easier. It'll make the person who changed end up resenting the other person. Converting religions isn't something that should be taken lightly. Your heart has to believe in the teachings of that religion. He can't make me convert anymore than I can make him. Although we have compromised on what will happen in our household religion-wise, he can always change his mind.

I believe deep in his heart that he wants the eternal marriage, even though he says he's fine without it. If he changes his mind while he's on his mission that he really wants it, then he can have it. It just won't be with me. I want him to be happy, and if that's what will make him so, then that's just how it is. This is what I mean by dating someone Mormon is risky, or anyone of a different faith really. They may really want something that they can only get if they marry within the faith, and sacrifices will have to be made. I do believe that the eternal marriage is a wonderful thing, but I can't change what I believe because of just that. No one can. All I can say is this: Darren and I love each other dearly. We will try our hardest to bring two faiths together. Luckily, we both believe in the same core values, and that is how we will raise our family. It's still risky, but it's a risk worth taking.

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

I really love Elton John. His music is just incredible, and this song in particular I can relate to because of recent events. As several of you know, Darren and I have been having a few problems in the last couple of weeks. Last night was sadly the worst. It was almost the end of us, and I can't even imagine that possible. For those who don't know what happened, here's the story:

Back in February, Darren's parents said that he can come up and visit me at school during the summer since I won't be home again until Thanksgiving, and there's a good chance he'll be gone by then. I was so excited for this: to it just be the two of us away from our parents and friends, and spend some real time together. We had plans to go to Six Flags and Whitewater for two of those weekends, and the first one, I wanted to sit down and just talk about our wedding to see if having it at Atlantis would be possible. I was getting dreams of him being over and we're cuddling and kissing as always, but it feels more special.

Sadly, reality set in quickly. He just wasn't able to come this weekend. Next weekend, his family is going to Tampa and don't want him driving two hours and them not able to be there if something happens. The last weekend in June he has to go to a Saturday class (I do not want to disclose any more for his privacy). It wasn't the fact that all this was happening, because I'm used to not seeing him. It was how he said it. Honestly, it sounded like he didn't care that our chances of seeing each other were decreasing as each day went by. That was what hurt me. I started to feel like I wasn't important to him anymore, while at the same time, I'm spending about 50 hours on a homemade present for him (still not done with it). I already agreed to wait as his girlfriend for his sake while he's gone, but it appeared that he couldn't even give me one tiny thing that I want, which is to see him. I began to feel some horrible emotions, and then I started realizing that I don't deserve this. I've done all that I can for him. I've given my whole heart to him, and to be treated this way wasn't acceptable. I previously had gone through a relationship like this back in high school, but back then, I didn't know my self-worth. I do now and I know I deserved more.

I told him I was done with this relationship. I was done doing everything for him and getting nothing in return for it. I kept telling him over and over my concerns about all of this, and he never really did anything to rectify it. He listened, but there was no action. I asked him what I was even getting from him if I waited, and what he told me was one of the sweetest things ever. I know some of you have read it, but here's for those who haven't:

"You're getting someone who cares about you more than anything else and would put down anything to talk to you whether you're happy or... sad. Who will do anything to understand what you need from me and everything in my power to do just that. Who will care for you when you're sick and sad, when you're healthy and happy, or when you're mad. I beg at your feet when you get mad because you're worth it. And I know you said don't change but changing will make things easier and I'm willing to change. I'm willing to go out of my way for you to make sure you're safe. And no matter what happens I'll listen and do my best to understand. Even when I get mad, I'll calm down and fix it immediately."
He got me to calm down so we can talk about it without being a scream fest. With that, he told me he was actually crying thirty minutes before he texted me about what happened. I wish he would have told me when he was crying. I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. Sure I still would have been upset that he wasn't coming until July, but at least I would have known he cared. He apologized for it. We told each other what we need out of this relationship, and I realize I'm quick to jump when things aren't going the way I want them to be. I know he's human and he makes mistakes, but I know he loves me and cares about me. I know he would do anything for me if he can do it. He wants me happy, and I can't ask anymore out of him. We apologized to each other and promised to try and work on our problem areas so not only we can be better for each other, but better people in general.

Even though I love Elton John, sorry isn't the hardest word. Goodbye is, especially if it's someone you love.

Down Week

I know it's been about a week since I blogged, but so much has happened since then. I got to see Darren again on Memorial Day. We went to see the new Pirates movie (which was AWESOME!!! Totally going to see it again with my mom). Afterward, we went to get some dinner and we took it to a new park nearby. As we were eating, I got this sad feeling building up inside me, and I became slightly depressed. He noticed immediately and asked what was wrong. I told him how I was feeling about the whole missionary thing and him leaving and how I was upset with myself because I thought that I was over feeling that way. I don't want him to think I'm not supporting him, because I do. I was close to tears but he kept on telling me to not cry, so I respected his wishes. He took me home and we sat on my back porch. He held me close to him and made sure that I knew that he wasn't going to leave me. He assured that he cares about me and he will continue to love me and write me every week. Looking into his eyes, I can see he was telling the truth. I saw the love he has for me because I have the same expression in mine when I'm with him. However, there was still something that was bugging me.
The next day, I spent most of the day texting him and my mom (who was in PA this past week). My mom knew that I wasn't sure if I was going to wait as his friend or his girlfriend and asked for an update. I still wasn't sure, but I knew that he and I needed to talk about it. So, we did it by text. Definitely not the way I wanted it to go. I would have preferred to do it in person, but that's just how things go. Pretty much he begged me to stay together. I can understand why. He isn't close with many people, and he's paranoid. He didn't want to lose me, and he didn't want to take that risk. As I was telling him that things wouldn't be different either way, he blurted out that he was planning on proposing to me this summer when he came to visit me at school. I couldn't believe it! I seriously thought that he was going to wait until he got back. He told me that so I wouldn't suspect it. In the end, we made a compromise: I'll wait for him as his girlfriend and he'll wait to propose until he comes back. I felt that waiting for that would be best. If he proposed and then left, it wouldn't feel like we were engaged. Technically we are now (he proposed over a year ago), but it really doesn't feel like it. We can't make plans for anything right now and I don't have a ring to show off. As for me waiting, I really don't mind it this way. Even though I can't really consider him my boyfriend while he's gone, I'm not really a dater. I prefer being friends with guys before considering them as a boyfriend. Less pressure that way and I get to know the real them.
Ever since Monday night, I kept asking Darren to see him again one more time before I leave for school this coming Wednesday. I'm not able to tomorrow or Tuesday since I have volunteering and have to get everything ready to go back. We weren't able to Friday (why I'm not sure), but we could have yesterday. His mom pretty much told him that he had to leave the house and go somewhere, so he went to a mutual friend's house. Usually when he goes over there, he asks me to come along too. I was expecting this text but it never happened. For about an hour I waited for a text from him and slowly became paranoid myself. I began to feel that he didn't want anything to do with me and he was distancing himself from me. I became angry and wrote angry texts to him. It continues to snowball up to the point where I was done with the relationship. He finally told me that our friend's mom wasn't home and had no service so he couldn't reach her to ask. Then our friend started texting me asking if everything was ok and that he's worried about both of us (the friend and his family completely supports our relationship). Somehow I finally calmed down and we were able to talk about it. I was still hurting because it didn't feel like he was trying to find a way for us to be together one last time. He threw out several possibilities that could have worked if he thought it through, but it's difficult for him because he's ADHD. In the end, he convinced me to stay with him and actually told me how he planned to originally propose to me (he was going to do a scavenger hunt where I had to follow a trial to chocolate, roses, and then the front door where he would be on his knees with the ring in hand).
Overall this wasn't a good week. I wish it were though. I wish I could have seen him one more time, just to be in his arms and him kissing me. Now, I have to wait until he visits me at school, and I have no idea when that will be. It's hard missing him all the time even though he's only ten minutes away from me and I can hardly see him. Some days, I wish that my family didn't move into the house that we're in now because then I would be a five minute walk from him and able to see him everyday that I'm home. I know things happen for a reason, but I'm still wondering what the reason for me moving away from him was.

Darren's Graduation

Last time was a happy occasion. My beloved graduated from high school, and I couldn't be prouder (ok, maybe if I was his mom, but still). No drama occurred and I feel that my relationship with his family has gotten stronger once again.
I went to his house right after volunteering. The first thing that happened was he introduced me to his grandparents. His grandaddy hugged me. It felt nice that he automatically accepted me. We still had quite some time before he had to leave so we went down to his basement and watched his favorite movie, "Forever Strong". We cuddled and he gave me a back massage (he's really good at them). Near the end, it was time to eat. Some of his neighbors came by to eat with us. One of them was this little girl who was about to enter kindergarten. Boy, was she a pistol! She saw how Darren and me were together and asked us if we were married! The whole time she was there she kept on saying that we were married because he had a ring on (the ring I gave him for his 18th birthday). It was cute though. I know one day we will be :)
Shortly after eating, he had to leave. I stayed behind with his family. I talked with his mother and grandmother. It was nice with his mom. Like how it used to be. I felt a sort of comfort with them, as if I was part of the family. We headed over to the school and prepared for the ceremony. I sat right in between his parents. We kept on talking, and there was no friction or forced conversation. It went very smoothly. Then, the graduation went on. When they called his name, I was smiling widely and (thankfully) no tears came down. I'm still so proud of him. After it was over, we found him and took pictures. I got one of all of them together, and his dad took some of just him and me. I went with him to get his actual diploma and then he walked me back to my car. We kissed goodbye and both went home. He told me the first thing his grandaddy asked him when he got back was, "Where's Leah?". It was so nice knowing that they're fond of me. Hopefully they'll continue to do so over the years when he's gone. I'm sure I'll see them again next year since my sister and Darren's brother will be graduating together.
Overall, it was a good night. I reconnected with his family and once again felt like I belonged with them. Just praying it stays that way :)

Venting

One simple question.

And it ends with a debate about who's beliefs are right. I really did not mean for that to happen. It was completely not my intention. I despise religious arguments because someone always gets hurt or offended, even if the other person didn't mean for it.

The question I asked was:
"So I was wondering how many non-Mormons are waiting for a mish and what you plan on doing religion-wise when he comes home?"

Is there anywhere in that question that indicates I wanted to know what the girl's opinion of eternal marriage was? Or is there anything that asks for opinions of interfaith relationships?

Because I couldn't find them. So why voice your opinion when it's not the place? I didn't ask for it, and neither did others who are in the same position as me. I just wanted to know how they plan on working it out. An interfaith relationship is hard, especially with a Mormon guy. That wasn't an easy decision. It isn't easy either deciding to wait for him while he's on a mission. Why? Because I love him and I want to be with him.

For those who say I will only hinder him because we will not get married in a temple, let me just say this: It is his choice to be with me. If he wanted to marry a Mormon girl, he would have never even considered going out with me, and I wouldn't be writing this now. He and I have both talked about how we will work out our religious differences and what we will do with our future children. I have no plans for conversion, and neither does he. It wouldn't be fair to do that when our hearts are not in it. I have investigated other religions (including Mormonism) and I know that I'm meant to be Catholic. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

To the girls who are interfaith relationships and/or are products of those marriages, or know people who are in it: Thank you. I enjoyed listening to those stories and it's nice knowing I'm not the only one going through this. I wish you all the best.

To the MGs who were talking about temple marriages: I understand that it is a big part of the Mormon faith. I do get it. However, it was not the place to be talking about that. I know you didn't mean to, but it made several of us feel like you have something against interfaith relationships. That's just how it came across. Because of it, I feel like I can't ask anything on the group site anymore without having some sort of attack-like discussion happen. Again, I know it was not intentional, but it was not the right time.

Right now, I have reservations about the group. I'm not sure if I want to put myself in an environment like that for two years when there is already chaos before he even leaves. I hoped that it would be a good source of support, especially since most of you have been raised to believe that this is how it's supposed to be. I wanted advice and ideas for care packages, things of that sort. It feels like I may not get it without something going into disarray. I know I'm ranting on, and I apologize if anything I said is offensive. I'm just expressing how I feel right now.

In the end, it is about Darren and me, not anyone else when it comes to our relationship, but we're already having to deal with our families not being supportive of us. We don't need a group stating negative opinions either, but thank you  to those who have shown support. It means a lot to us.

The Luckiest Girl in the World

Tonight felt like magic. I'm pretty sure it was. I'm so incredibly happy with my life, and it's all thanks to the love of my life. Today we went out to dinner at Taco Mac, with is a sort of sports bar. Really good food though. We talked and had a good time there. In the parking lot, he presented me with a rose. Boy, were those butterflies kicking in hard. Then, we went to a nearby lake. We would have watched the sunset if it wasn't happening right behind us, but it was still beautiful. He kissed me so softly that it took my breath away. He always knows how to do that. We sat underneath a tree, cuddled, and looked out into the lake. It was a picture perfect moment. Afterward, we went to this frozen yogurt place. As we were trying to find a parking spot, a commercial for a jewelry store came on the radio advertising engagement rings. He said, "I hate this commercial. It's too tempting." So I asked him if he was already looking at engagement rings, and he said he was! My heart melted hearing that I was so happy. I wanted to ask if he found any hopefuls, but I know he wants to keep it a surprise. The Mix is the name of the frozen yogurt place we went. It was really good, but I have to do a better job at picking toppings. After that, we texted my dad to see if Darren if could come over the house for a little bit, and he said yes! This was the first time in almost two years that he has been in my house. When we got there, we were greeted by my dog, Maggie. She's a big dog who is a little crazy when meeting new people. She jumped all over him and actually ended up scratching his neck. He was still good about it. Overall it was an incredible night and I can't wait to see him next week when he graduates!

Life as a Pre-Physical Therapy Student

That is the name of my latest blog. I decided to create a new one just for reaching that goal. Mainly so I remember what I did when it comes time to apply to PT school. Also, it would be nice to look back at my beginnings and see how far I've come once I've accomplished my goal. So here is the link to it and I hope you guys will read it, but that's up to you: http://pre-ptstudent.blogspot.com/

570 Days

So today I was looking at my "Days We've Been Together" gadget on my blog and I saw that Darren and I have been together for 570 days. A week shy of 19 months for us! Realizing this goal makes me feel that perhaps it is possible for me to wait for him. He and I hardly see each other as it is, so I'm totally not worried about that part of our relationship. The part I am worried about, however, is the fact I will not be able to talk to him on a daily basis. In fact, it scares me. I've become so reliable on him and talking every day, being able to say whatever is on my mind at the moment and him listening to me and make me feel better. Sadly, I've come to realize that it won't be like that soon.

I've had a mixture of emotions about him leaving. I know it will be good for him and it will help him figure out who he is as a person. Also, ever since finding other MGs, there has been a ton of support and suggestions of what to do while he's gone and how to deal with it. For a time, I really felt prepared, almost excited to send him off, just so I can do all that I planned to do (I can't name them since he also reads this blog).

On the other hand, I am also starting to realize how different things will be when he is gone. I'm used to very little hugs and kisses so that's not much of a problem. Who do I call when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep? Who do I tell all my news to first? Who is going to be there for me when I'm going through a rough time and need to smile? Sadly, all these were him, and they will no longer be soon enough. And I also realize exactly how much he'll miss when he's gone. He'll miss two of my birthdays (21st and 22nd), our third and fourth anniversaries, me graduating college and getting accepted to physical therapy school, moving into my own apartment wherever I choose to go, and so much more that could happen. It does hurt that he won't be there for this stuff, especially since he's always been there for other important events in my life. Not to mention we have had drama with our parents about all of this.

What makes it more difficult is that after I graduate from UGA, I have no idea where I'm going to go for PT school. I want to go to Savannah, but really, I could be anywhere from Orlando to Chapel Hill, NC. Then what happens when he comes home to Atlanta? What will happen to us then? I know only he and I can figure out what will happen when that moment comes, but it worries me. I want to be with him, but I can't stop living life just because he's not here. That wouldn't be fair.

Thinking about all this makes me wonder if it will work between us. Then I look at the 570 days we have been together, seeing that majority of it was spent away from each other, and I start to see the possibilities of it all working out. When I'm at school, I live two hours away so we only see each other a couple times a month. We have made it through a week without talking to each other before when he was on vacation, so I just have to think of it as 104 week long vacations and getting a reward (letter, package, etc) at the end of it. I can do this. It will be hard- possibly the hardest thing I will ever endure- but I love him. He means the world to me, and he's my best friend. I will wait for him, but it's the question of whether to wait for him as a friend or as his girlfriend. For that, I will have to open my heart up to the Lord and have Him lead me to the choice.

Classes Ending and Volunteering

I finally completely my first semester at UGA. Needless to say, it was definitely a difficult time. Don't get me wrong, I love it there, it was just a lot harder than my previous college. I knew it would be, but I had no idea it was going to be that hard. So, long story short, it was my worst semester ever. I'll just say this: I did pass and I still have my scholarship, but I know I could have done so much better.

So now, for May, I am at home for a bit until I go back in June for summer classes (I need to in order to be on schedule for my major). So, what am I doing while at home? Making the most of my time and preparing for the future. I plan on becoming a physical therapist when I'm older. That means after finishing up my undergrad work, I have to go through three more years of schooling. So basically, I'm able to keep myself busy while Darren's gone.

I have already begun my journey towards becoming a physical therapist this past Wednesday by volunteering at the local rehab center. I love it there! Seriously, I have so much fun. Pretty much I wipe down the beds, replace the pillowcases, bring heat and ice packs to clients who need them, and anything else that the PTs need. But that's not the interesting part. I also get to observe the PTs in action about how they diagnose where the problem area is, and how they go about treating it. I have seen many different problem areas such as hips, shoulders, backs, knees, and even glutes (yes, the buttocks can have problems).  Anyways, I have learned a lot about what goes on and what is needed to treat people. I also figured out you can't always really trust what a client says. Some will exaggerate the problem but then do something that would cause a lot more pain and they're fine.

Overall, I am going through such an amazing experience. I am working with a lot of nice people, and I really enjoy hearing about the client's stories about what happened to them. It's a fun environment, and one of the PTs went to UGA, went through the same major I'm going through, and also had the same Anatomy professor as me. Talk about getting inside scoop :)

Prom

Okay, so Darren's senior prom was Saturday night, and it was AMAZING!!!! I don't think I've ever had that much fun at my own prom! It has been the longest that we ever spent together in a single setting, and I cherished every single moment. It began with him coming to my house to pick me up. My parents took a few pictures of us together, and then we headed out to our friend's house. We met up with the rest of our group (there were only three couples), took even more pictures, and then headed out to Atlanta for dinner. We arrived early, so what did we do to spend time? Went to TARGET!! It was fun and we found one of the guys in our group a hat that completely matched his suit. We ate at a place called The Lobby at Twelve. It was inside a restaurant. It had a nice, modern feeling to it. The food was awesome! I really need to find what was in that steak sauce. Anyways, prom was held at the train depot in underground Atlanta (a bit sketch if you ask me, but it was a nice place). I got to see some familiar faces, including my old band teacher's, and Darren and I danced the night away. We cuddled in the car on the way back to our friend's house, where we spent an hour watching random YouTube videos. Afterward, it was time to go home, and I ended up sleeping on his arm on the way. Overall, it was definitely one of my favorite days so far with him, and I wouldn't have changed anything about it.

Counting My Blessings

Last night was one of the scariest nights ever. I live in Georgia about an hour away from Atlanta, and I was in the devastating storms that occurred last night. However, I am considerably lucky. By the time the storms came my way, most of them were either weak or died down. I can't say that for a lot of places. There were certain towns in Alabama and Georgia that were destroyed and left with nothing as you can see in the video.

I am very lucky survived through that, but more so, I am blessed that God made sure that my family, friends, and Darren were safe. They were in the middle with storms to the north, south, and west of them. Tornadoes barely missed them along the way. Even though they are safe, I cannot say that for everyone. I still have a home, my health, my loved ones safe, electricity, and thousands of people don't have these. It's moments like this that makes you appreciate what you have.

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To

Today's my 20th birthday, and I end up in tears. Don't get me wrong, it was a great day. I got to see my family and I got to see Darren last night. However, a discussion I had with my mom took a turn for the depressing. Let me give you some background information first.
When Darren and I first started going out, my mom freaked about it. She was against it and made sure I knew about it. As time went by, she got used to the idea of us together and has become supportive of it. She even is helping out with some things for his senior prom because his parents aren't helping him out in any way with it (what they have against prom, I have no idea).
Well, yesterday I came home from school for my birthday and Easter, and my mom was asking about his mission. I've given the current update about it and how it will be in terms of communication when he's gone. Then, she and I got into what will happen with our relationship while he's gone. Pretty much there are two options: stay his girlfriend or be only his best friend but still communicate with him. I think with talking with my mom, I made it sound like that I'm going to just be friends with him while he's gone. My mom thinks I'm making the right decision for both of us, but while texting to her about it today when I returned to school, I'm not so sure if it is. I mean, could I break his heart when we have plans for marriage and our future when he comes back? The thought of hurting him breaks my heart and I just ended up in tears. I know he and I need to talk about what exactly will happen, but he doesn't want to talk about it. It depresses him to talk about his mission because he doesn't like thinking about all that he is missing out, such as two of my birthdays and two anniversaries, my college graduation, etc. I understand the sacrifices we're both making while he's gone, but am I able to sacrifice our relationship?

18 Months

So today, Darren and I celebrate 18 months of being together <3  It truly has been the most amazing time with him, and I'm absolutely grateful to have him in my life. He knows how to make me happy, laugh, and smile. He says the incredibly sweetest things to me, and I can tell in his voice and in his eyes he means every single word. Even though we have our arguments, he brings me back with his strong faith in our relationship. It truly is amazing when you have someone who cares about you more than they care about themselves, and that's how it is with the both of us. I really wish I could have seen him this weekend and spend all day tomorrow together. I honestly could not think of anything better than to be in his arms all day and his lips against mine. Instead, I will express 18 that I love about him.

1. He's so sweet that I get a sugar high from him. He would get it to the point that I'll end up crying because I'm so happy.
2. He's very supportive of me. Definitely my rock.
3. He accepts me for who I am. Never has he tried to make me do anything that I didn't want to.
4. He's a dork... And I am a sucker for dorks.
5. I find him to be very cute.... Especially when he blushes ;)
6. The cheesy pick-up lines he uses. Goes with the dork thing, but it's something particular that I like and I'm always guaranteed to smile.
7. His voice. I could listen to him for hours. I find it to be very soothing and get butterflies when he sings.
8. His faith in us. Never has he felt that it would never work out between us, and he does his hardest to make sure I have the same faith too.
9. His determination. The past couple of months, he has been working hard to pay for prom since his parents wouldn't help out. He never gave up even though there were obstacles in the way.
10. His arms. I love cuddling with him. I fit perfectly in his arms and it comforts me when he holds me.
11. The "dork" smile. It's what I call when he smiles so big that you can see all his teeth. I can't help but giggle when he does it.
12. The way he looks at me. I can see it in his eyes that he cares about me. It's so overwhelming at times.
13. His kisses. I'm absolutely 100% addicted to his kisses. I really can't get enough of them.
14. He knows when I'm feeling down, even without me saying anything. And he makes sure I tell him what's wrong sooner or later.
15. And when I do finally admit it, he comforts me. He calms me down and keep thinking about the positives.
16. We don't have to really talk. We're so comfortable with each other that we don't need to fill up every space with words.
17. Him talking about our future. He's so excited to be with me, and he has made many plans for us.

And the most important reason:
18. He's my best friend.

So, that's my list. I never imagined ever being with someone like him, and now that I do, I couldn't imagine ever being without him. I love you Darren Thorne, and I always will!

First Two Days of Work

So, I just started my job at the dining hall this week. I've only worked two days and I'm exhausted! I've come back home and was ready to just crash on my bed. However, it's a nice place, I'm making new friends, getting free stuff, and I'm getting paid. What more can I ask for?

My first day was on Tuesday. Right before going into work, I had to have orientation for it, which meant two hours of paperwork (fun). After that, I went straight to my work place to begin. I was tired, but excited. I met some of the managers, and got a tour around the place. I was given my uniform, which was a snazzy smock and a UGA hat, and went straight to work...

NOT!!!!!

The first thing I do on the clock is have my dinner break. I'm not kidding! I went and ate before anything else. I joined a bunch of other workers and had my dinner with them. THEN, I began working. They first put me at smoothies. It was fun. I got to make some and then served it to customers. Sadly, I only worked there for about half an hour before being switched to the dining hall. The dining hall is one of the most boring places to work, even though it is one of the easiest. All you do is go around, wipe down tables, fill napkin holders, and return the condiments to their original place. It's not rocket science, but it is very boring. Nothing interesting happens, but you do get a lot of mini breaks that you put yourself on.

Of course, the manager for the dining hall knew this would be too easy for us college students, so they added some random chores to do to spice things up a bit. One of them was sweeping and mopping the coolers and freezer (except we didn't mop the freezer; that would have ended badly). Seriously, how does workers for the dining hall end up doing that? We were nowhere near the kitchen! And if you have ever been in one of those coolers or freezers, you know they're cold. One should not be in there longer than 15 seconds, no joke. Or maybe that's just me because I hate the cold (I'm a Southern girl at heart). Another thing we had to do was organize the vacuum closet. This one I could totally understand since it's right outside the dining hall, but the thing is, it was already organized! We couldn't change anything about it if we tried!

Another thing about the dining hall is that between 6-8, it is so packed that we couldn't do anything. So basically for about two hours my co-workers and I just stood around. Once in awhile, we filled up the napkin holders, but that's about it. When it got close to closing time, we were able to begin cleaning up and wiping down everything for the next day.

Day two started interesting. First off, the time clock wouldn't let me punch in, so I had to get the manager to manually do it. Secondly, they didn't have me in the system for shifts, so they decided to put me in smoothies again. I served one smoothie when my supervisor told me to go on break. Are you kidding? I just got there! Even though getting a break right at the beginning may sound nice, it only means that I have to work the rest of my shift without one. It was also very hot in the dining room, so everyone came to smoothies to cool off. I lost count of how many smoothies I made, blended, and served, and standing in a small area for four hours is not ideal.

I know it's only been two days, and I'm already complaining, but I'm tired and not used to this. I'm still excited for it and can't wait to see the money roll in :)

To All the MGs

I know that a lot of you were really upset with the blog by Bro Jo (if you haven't read it, I don't recommend reading it). Believe me, I was upset and mad too. The thing is, all he's done is lit the fire under me to prove to him that he is wrong about waiting. Who is he to say that I should break up with my boyfriend before he leaves on his mission? He's not God; he's just a guy with a big mouth who doesn't know what he's talking about. He's not worth it.

I'll tell you what's worth it. Think of all the girls who just got their guy back this week. How happy they are to have their man back in their arms knowing that it's not a mirage in front of them. That's what's worth waiting for: to have the love of your life back right beside you.

This is something I live by: If something is easy, then it probably wasn't worth it to begin with. We all know that waiting is hard, but if we stay committed and supportive, we'll get our reward in the end.

So this is what I have to say to every MG and MB in the world: you are some of the strongest people I have ever met, and I consider myself blessed to have met you, whether it was through a long conversation or just a simple "Like" on a status. You're like family to me. That is what the whole Facebook group is: a family. We're here for each other through the good times and bad. We never let someone feel like they're alone in this. We have different stories that brought to us to this group. Even though we may be at different parts of the journey, we all strive for the same thing: to have our guy back with us. So, don't let this dude bring you down. You are all amazing and strong for doing this, and I am very lucky to be a part of this family.

Music Brings Us Together

So I told Darren about my blog when he came back from his trip. He got to see it for the first time today, and I have a feeling that he is still on it. Gotta love him. He absolutely loves it, which makes me happy since it's about us and our journey together. And if he didn't, he'd just have to get over it :)

One thing I know he's enjoying is the playlist of songs I created. It contains every song that reminds me of him whether I heard it once or a million times. And now he's gotten involved and has come up with some songs that reminds him of me (isn't he SWEET?!). And so I've now added them to my playlist, which continues to grow as each minute passes by, and is currently up to forty-nine songs. I'm sure there will be more included by the end of the night and many more after that.

It's really nice to have him do this. It now feels like not just my blog, but ours. Another thing that we share and will bring us together. Of course, I will run it when he's gone, but like I said earlier, it's OUR journey together, not just mine. Being away from each other will only make our love stronger and bring us closer together. It'll help with our communication too.

Music was the thing that brought us together in the first place, and will continue to play an important role in our relationship. :)

I Dream of the Beach

I want to live at the beach. I know, completely random and not my missionary-related, but it's something that's important to me. I absolutely love the beach (in case you haven't noticed). I love walking on the sand, swimming in with the waves, watching the sunset, eating seafood, not wearing layers and layers of clothes... You get the point. I can imagine owning an ocean front beach house that is very simple in design and a calming atmosphere. Very open and welcoming. The scent of sea salt filling the air. A hammock tied to two palm trees. Tropical flowers everywhere. To me, that is a perfect place. The best thing: Darren wants the same thing too :)

Darren's Poem to Me

Here is now I know that my Dare Bear loves me and I am very lucky to have him. I love you so much!

We live our lives with souls of love
In a great tree with two morning doves
Stuck in our minds with thoughts of each other
Binding our hearts as one great lover
With arms like a pillow you soften my cries
And a small sweet kiss of love you strengthen our ties
Our bodies my touch as a bear with a hug
Who sang a soft song on the tree above
Along with the birds on the tree top of height
One to the other the doves did recite
"I'm happy today, I'll be happy tomorrow
In times of glad and in times of sorrow
I want you now, and I'll want you then
With all my heart that you did win
I'll love you past the end of time
So stay with me and be all mine."