Rock Bottom

This past month has been a roller coaster. I don't remember a month that has been this stressful and exhausting. I haven't been this brought down in a long time, and I never wanted to go back to that feeling. And sadly, I was pushed back to that. And whenever I thought things were getting better, I was pushed back down again.
I feel like I'm being tested. Can I handle this pressure and pain on a regular basis? Will it ever get better? Will I ever be able to believe and trust again? At this point, I'm really not sure. I've been hurt so much and I really don't know if I can recover from it. I'm trying to keep my head held high and move on, but at nights, when I'm alone, I just want to cry my eyes out. Some days I feel like I'm just faking a smile just to get through the day. Most of the time I'm just existing, not really living. I know that's what I'm doing, but I don't know how to get out of that funk. I'm praying for strength, but so far I haven't received it yet. I'm trying to enjoy myself and move on with things, but at the end of the day, I'm back to feeling miserable.
I really don't know what to do. I feel lost and alone, even though people are here for me. I just want something to change, but I don't know how to go about it. I need help, and I need it immediately. I'm not asking my readers for advice but I'll take what anyone has to say.

Precious Time

This past week has been stressful and exhausting to say the least. And unfortunately, my waiting to know when Darren will be leaving has been extended another two months. I don't want to go into complete details about what has happened, but needless to say, there are now some trust issues between his parents and myself, and that is all I'm saying about that.
Now, we're just picking up the pieces of what has happened and trying to continue on with our lives. We're looking forward to seeing each other in December when I come back home and we can celebrate the holidays together.
I never thought I would end up preparing to wait for a guy going on a mission. I never thought I would ever date a Mormon. I'm not selective in dating when it comes to religion, but it was just something I never expected. But these things happen and you just have to roll with them, especially when you know that this person is right for you. It isn't easy to have an interfaith relationship, but we manage. We respect what each other believes, even though we may not agree with it.
However, there are those moments when I do wonder if what I'm doing is right. Should I be waiting for a guy who will be gone for two years and totally miss out on some of the biggest moments in my life? It may be selfish I know, but with my life I feel that I should be selfish somewhat. It's not that I want to be greedy, but I know that time is very precious. Every second that passes by is a second that we're closer to death. Yes it is a dark thought, but it is the truth nonetheless. You're closer to death now than when you first read this post. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, so I'll just get to the point of all this.
We can't take time for granted, and I want all of my time possible spent with Darren. He means too much to me and I don't ever want to be without him. I know he has to do this, and it will help him grow up as a person, but I want to physically be there, and not just be a letter once a week. I want us to grow together by doing things together and getting to know each other. We've been there for each other for every major event that has happened ever since we've known each other, and I don't want that to stop.
I finally found the one person that I want to be with the rest of my life, and I don't want to let him go. But I have no choice in this, so the next best thing is to be supportive of what needs to happen, even if I don't agree with any bit of it. Marriage is about compromise, and since I want to marry him, I might as well begin now.

My First Post (Darren)

so yeah i have been here the whole time contemplating whether to post or not and now i finally am doing it not for me but for my dear beloved Leah who i love more than anything in the world. and im not going to lie. but as i was getting on this "go the distance" from Hercules came on. which is describing how i feel right now

"I have often dreamed
Of a far off place
Where a hero's welcome
Will be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be

I will find my way
I can go the distance
I'll be there some day
If I can be strong
I know every mile
Will be worth my while
I will go most anywhere
To feel like I belong"

out of everything in the whole world my one wish is to be with Leah for the rest of my life
Nau ko`u aloha mau loa this is Hawaiian if your curious as to what it means it means "my love is yours forever" .... but this is my favorite phrase in Hawaiian because i want her to know that i love her ... and I'll be the one to never stop loving her ... for two years i have dreamt about me and her being together for the rest of our lives. and I've never felt like this with anyone ... after all we have been through together ... we've come so far together ... and I'm not going to let it go ... I'll be gone for two very important years of Leahs life ... and I'll miss the start of her starting PT school and when she graduates ... and I wont be able to take care of her for 2 years ... but when you look at it ... were young and in love and when ill be back we will both be in our 20's thats 70-90 long years of us being able to be close to each other everyday ... of us being together taking care of each other ... and i wont ever be doing something like that again.

Leah is my sweet, loving, caring, beautiful, amazing and perfect person that I literally dream about ... and I love her soooooooo much and i want her to know that ... everyone may be like oh thats cute ... I'm saying it because its true ... and i really do love her with all my heart

Kiss Kiss

I got to see him Saturday before Halloween. This is the third Halloween that we've spent together and worked at his neighbor's haunted pirate ship. It's always a bunch of fun, but this year was very interesting. They've expanded it into the backyard and added a few new things. It started off with the graveyard, then moved on into a cathedral where there was a funeral and an organ playing by itself. It then moved on into the swamps where you'll find crocodiles and Tia Dalma from Pirates (played by his mom). The next part is with vicious mermaids who make the journey into the Black Pearl a wet one. Inside the Black Pearl you'll find all the treasures that have been pillaged as well as a prisoner in the brig (with a dog holding onto the keys, of course). The final stop is aboard the Flying Dutchman, where the undead come to haunt all those who come aboard.
We always have fun with this, and Halloween really means something to us. We've had our first kiss on Halloween, and I can still remember it to this day. It was a little over a week after we started going out, and we only saw each other one time since then. I went to his house to hang out a little before we had to go over and work. We walked into his dining room. He leaned against the dish cabinet and I was beside him. He pulled me in close and I rested my head against his chest. Then he leaned his head down and softly kissed me. It was pure magic. It was a perfect first kiss, and one that I'll keep close to me always.