2 Dresses

I know I won't be married for many many years down the road, but I can't help but start looking at stuff for my wedding. I started looking and getting ideas a little over a year ago and I've had fun with it. I looked at different locations, venues, entertainment, flowers, and much more. And of course, I have looked for a dress. Here's a little bit of background on what I want:
Since it is obvious that I won't be getting married in a temple, I wanted to have it somewhere that is a neutral setting, but still beautiful. For me, the beach is the most beautiful place. I love the ocean and when the sun sets on the horizon, it is the most breathtaking image ever. So for the beach, I want a short wedding dress. Something nice and cool and doesn't get dirty from dragging behind in the sand. For almost a year I had my eyes set on a dress. It was absolutely gorgeous and I could totally see myself in it. A couple of days ago, I just looked around for fun and my eyes fell on another beautiful dress. Short, but different from the first one.
It's difficult to choose, and I can only get them online. Because they are short, it will be cheap. The first dress I found costs $167, and the second dress I can loan a sample size online for about $35 and then go to a local store that sells that particular dress (actual price I'm not sure of). Is it possible that I can get two dresses? I'm sure I can wear both of them over and over, and I can have fun with them. I know there's a good chance that they'll be out of style by the time I do get married, but it doesn't hurt to look now. And Darren has seen them so I have no reason to hide them. He just won't know which one I'll choose.

Dress 1

Dress 2

Keeping the Faith

Yesterday, Darren came to visit me at school, and this past Friday was our 1 year, nine month anniversary. We got to see Harry Potter (which was amazing I must say, and a little bittersweet). After that, we went to a grocery store to get some food and stuff to make s'mores. They were delicious I must say. But just having that time with him and cuddling on the couch, I knew that I want to be with him. I always feel that way when we're together. Whenever I see him I just know that I'm meant to be with him.
He's a total sweetheart to me. As a surprise, he made me two clay butterflies, painted and all. He told me that he feels that butterflies symbolize our relationship. I was unsure of what he meant by it, until I looked up butterfly symbolism. Transformation is the main symbol, but another one is faith. He and I will be going through a lot of change in the coming years, and we will grow to become a better version of ourselves. During that time, it is important to keep the faith in our relationship strong. We have to stay strong and trust each other in order to make this work. Yes, there have been times where I wanted to give up, and he won't let me. He knows we're meant to be, and he continues to remind me. I do worry about the changes that are about to come. I know that there are possibilities of everything changing between us, but if we do end up with what we planned, then it will be worth it.
Yesterday, I finally got him to understand the importance of us waiting a few years after he comes home to get married. He's realized that to have the wedding we want, we need to save up money, and it's difficult to do so if we're both in school in a different state and with part time jobs. Luckily, he'll be done with school just as I am finishing up so we can both be in the workforce at the same time. I feel that it is important for us to have some stability first. I don't want to spend the first couple of years in complete debt and continuing to request student loans to pay for everything. It's just too much for us to handle with being students. I'm just glad that we're finally on the same page about this. This helps me know that we can work this out. I know that we will be together for about six years before finally getting married, but I know we're not ready now, and we won't be ready immediately when he returns. However, this is what is right for us, and I know he can get through it.

It Just Doesn't Go Away

There has been trouble in paradise. I've had days where I just wanted to give up and never look back. This hasn't been recent for me. Actually, it has been ongoing for years. It's something that I've rarely told people about me, but I feel like I shouldn't hide things anymore. I've hidden behind a wall that I've built up for so long, and it's time to tear it down.
I've been depressed ever since I was fourteen. However, I've never been diagnosed depressed. I never let anyone look at me, nor did I feel the need to. I thought it would pass away eventually. Obviously, it didn't. A lot of changes happened to me that caused my depression. My first boyfriend broke my heart badly (broke up with me for another girl). I was moving from a place that I called home for almost five years to a new area. It was the longest I ever stayed in one home and so many memories were made there. Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled. I wanted to go to high school with my friends. Instead I had to make new ones. It wasn't too terrible at the new school. I still wasn't happy, but I managed. I became good friends with some people, and I'm still in contact with them today. I rejoined band, and that school had an amazing band program. There was a guy who showed interest in me. However, I couldn't show interest back. My time there was short-lived.
Right after freshman year, we moved again. I really wasn't happy with this one. People were rude to me the moment I got there, and it wasn't easy making friends. I automatically joined band, but that also showed difficulty in making friends. This school only had grades 10-12, so I had to start at the bottom of the totem pole once again. Majority of my friends that year were seniors so they graduated at the end of that year. Junior year was a little better. I became closer to some people. I got back with my ex. That was a long and difficult journey. To condense it, it was long distance, we fought all the time, and it made me realize I was an idiot for thinking of wanting a future with him. I wasn't a good person with him. I rebelled against my parents and it affected my relationship with them. Thankfully I didn't do something incredibly stupid. We mutually broke up and never talked again. I dated someone new as a rebound, but I only saw him as a friend, so that lasted only three months. Still, I wasn't happy there. In fact, I was probably most miserable there. I knew I was considered an outsider and was stereotyped as stupid in the beginning since I moved there from the South.
I would spend many nights crying myself to sleep those years. It never felt like I was actually living. More like me just going through the motions. There were times when I wanted to take a razor blade to my wrists or starve myself. Thankfully, I was given the strength not to do so. Senior year I moved back to Georgia. That year was the best by far. I was happiest then. I made tons of friends. I met Darren, who taught me how to love again. I believe that we were meant to be in each others' lives. He always made me smile whenever he was near. He gave me comfort. With him, I felt safe and loved. I was ecstatic when he and I started going out. It was a dream come true.
The dream was hard to hold onto with me being in college when we started going out. It was a distance relationship, but continue to see each other whenever I came home. But college got the best of me. I became stressed about classes all the time. I wasn't really involved since I knew I was going to transfer, but it still didn't make things better. I continued to be depressed. It got worse when Mike died. I never fully recovered from that. To this day, I still cry about it, wishing that it was a dream. I transferred schools this past January. I really thought that this would be my time and that I would finally be happy. Instead, I became more stressed about school, and it really affected me. I would freak over the smallest things, escalating it higher than before. I had tons of breakdowns. I constantly worry about doing well in school and making it through all this. This concerned my family and Darren. I wasn't happy anymore. I forgot what it meant to be happy. And it was my doing. I gave up things that I enjoyed so much. I allowed petty things tear me down. I made my self-confidence diminish. I tried so hard to change it, but depression isn't something that goes away overnight. It stays a long time, and it affects you and those around you. I don't want to be depressed, but I'm lost in what the first step will be to reverse it. I want to wake up smiling and keep that smile all day and not fake it. I want to be truly happy again.

Lucky With Him

I know I posted just a bit ago, but this is something I just wanted to share. A few days ago, Darren and I were thinking of names for our future children. We came up with some pretty good ones. For a boy we both liked Zack and Aaron. For a girl, we liked Taylor and Melissa. He then asked me if I still liked Steven Michael. Steven Michael was a name that I came up with over a year ago. I just like the name Steven, but Michael is named after one of my closest guy friends. I met him my junior year of high school. He was a senior and he became like an older brother to me. After graduating, he joined the Marines and was deployed to Afghanistan in October 2009. He and I kept in touch until he was deployed. We would talk in the summer and he always looked out for me. On February 1, 2010, just four months after his deployment, he was killed by a roadside bomb. He was only 21. It was devastating. I was never really the same after that. It was the first time that someone really close to me has died. I spent a whole week crying because of it. Sadly I was unable to attend his funeral since I was in Georgia before he left. Darren stood beside me that whole time. He comforted me, even though he didn't really know what to say. He just wanted me happy, like he always does. He wants me to be the happiest girl ever. He definitely made me happy by remembering that, especially since his memory isn't the greatest. He said that Steven Michael felt right for our first son. Like it's meant for us. It's purpose to remind us to be good people and be there for others and make a difference in others' lives. For this, I am greatly thankful for Darren. Despite our ups and downs, this one moment showed how much I mean to him and how much he loves me. I couldn't ask for more.

Tired of Waiting

I want to know already where he's going to go. I want to start preparing for that part. However, I can't because he has yet to turn his papers in. I really shouldn't complain. I should enjoy the time I have with him right now, even though it is few and far between. However, it doesn't change that I want to know where he's sent. That way, I can prepare myself for seeing how often he and I can send letters, if he'll be able to send emails, if he'll be in a safe area or not. I worry about this stuff a lot. I feel like I'm in a limbo where I want to move forward but I'm stuck knowing that he'll be leaving, but not knowing where and when he's going. He turns 19 in 2 1/2 months. It'll be here before I know it.
There's a part of me that wishes he was gone already. I would be used him being gone and not having to rely on him so much when I have troubles. I know I'll miss him, but I can't ask him to stay. Not anymore. It'll just make the entire thing worse. I enjoy my time with him, don't get me wrong, but I want the waiting to wait part to be over. I know two years can go by fast. His brother left a month after Darren and I started going out, and he'll be home in four months.
I know the secret to waiting. It's to not think about how many days he has left. Just live your life. Be involved, focus on studies, and have fun. Plus, it makes better for writing letters. It's not just his time; it's my time too. Thinking about this reminds me of the Bon Jovi song, "It's My Life." The lyrics are so true. This is my chance to be anything I want to be. Not just when he leaves, but right now. I can't let him leaving stop me from having the life I want. So really, not only am I tired of waiting to know what his future holds for him in the next few months and then couple of years, I'm also tired of not taking chances. I'm tired of not being who I really am. I've allowed myself to be depressed for so long, and for what? I gave up things that meant the most to me. The things that made me happy. So even though I still have to wait to see where he'll go, I'm done waiting for happiness to come to me. I'm done not being myself. I'm taking my life back to how it's supposed to be. I'll be creating a bucket list and putting it into a tab at the top. I'll make goals for myself and strive to live up to them. I'm done pleasing everyone but myself. God would not want me neglecting myself anymore, and I don't plan on disappointing Him with this ever again.

Something Missing

Wow, it's been awhile since I posted, but I've been busy with summer classes. Something that I've noticed ever since I started college is that my stress levels are out of control. I get angry about a lot of things, and I've lashed out on some people. I don't like that I'm doing this and I've been trying to fix this. The thing is, I don't have time to fix it. I have class everyday plus two labs a week so it's a lot for two months. Being in this high stress major plus work on top in the fall and spring leaves very little room for a social life. It's a problem. I don't have anything to do for fun. Sure, I have football games to look forward to just about every weekend, but I need something that I'm passionate about. Something that I will look forward to every week.
I started thinking about what I've done in middle school. That was when I was at my happiest. I was involved with a lot, had good grades, and tons of friends. My favorite school activities were band, theater, and soccer. I continued band and some theater through high school, but everything stopped when I hit college. I found myself not being involved at my first college because I knew I wasn't going to be there that long. I'm in my second semester at UGA and I'm still not really involved. I am in a Pre-PT club. Even though it is informative, it's not necessarily the most fun thing to attend. Thinking back to times when I was really happy, I decided to do something with theater. I miss it so much. I loved going onstage and being someone I wasn't. I was confident in myself and it carried through in other aspects of my life. I felt like I could conquer the world and no one can stop me. Except me. I stopped myself from doing things that I love, but not anymore. So I have decided to join an improv group at school starting in the fall. I think this is something that has been missing for almost two years. I have not been who I used to be, and I loved who I was. The more I think about it, the more I get excited for August to come and I can finally start. I have been miserable for too long, and I need my happy back.