Tired of Waiting

I want to know already where he's going to go. I want to start preparing for that part. However, I can't because he has yet to turn his papers in. I really shouldn't complain. I should enjoy the time I have with him right now, even though it is few and far between. However, it doesn't change that I want to know where he's sent. That way, I can prepare myself for seeing how often he and I can send letters, if he'll be able to send emails, if he'll be in a safe area or not. I worry about this stuff a lot. I feel like I'm in a limbo where I want to move forward but I'm stuck knowing that he'll be leaving, but not knowing where and when he's going. He turns 19 in 2 1/2 months. It'll be here before I know it.
There's a part of me that wishes he was gone already. I would be used him being gone and not having to rely on him so much when I have troubles. I know I'll miss him, but I can't ask him to stay. Not anymore. It'll just make the entire thing worse. I enjoy my time with him, don't get me wrong, but I want the waiting to wait part to be over. I know two years can go by fast. His brother left a month after Darren and I started going out, and he'll be home in four months.
I know the secret to waiting. It's to not think about how many days he has left. Just live your life. Be involved, focus on studies, and have fun. Plus, it makes better for writing letters. It's not just his time; it's my time too. Thinking about this reminds me of the Bon Jovi song, "It's My Life." The lyrics are so true. This is my chance to be anything I want to be. Not just when he leaves, but right now. I can't let him leaving stop me from having the life I want. So really, not only am I tired of waiting to know what his future holds for him in the next few months and then couple of years, I'm also tired of not taking chances. I'm tired of not being who I really am. I've allowed myself to be depressed for so long, and for what? I gave up things that meant the most to me. The things that made me happy. So even though I still have to wait to see where he'll go, I'm done waiting for happiness to come to me. I'm done not being myself. I'm taking my life back to how it's supposed to be. I'll be creating a bucket list and putting it into a tab at the top. I'll make goals for myself and strive to live up to them. I'm done pleasing everyone but myself. God would not want me neglecting myself anymore, and I don't plan on disappointing Him with this ever again.