Nothing is as it Seems

One of the first places we thought of for wedding venues was Key West, Florida. It was beautifully breathtaking in pictures. The hotels were gorgeous and it was tropical while still being in the States.
Sadly, things are really never what they seem.
Darren got the chance to be in the Keys today, and from what he told me, he was less than impressed. It wasn't what he expected. It had an old town feel to it, as if it was downtown of some city. And it acted like one too. All the shops close at five. My guess is for happy hour, and for his family, it will be a bit awkward. So right now they're going back to their hotel. However, that wasn't the worst part. There was a  swarm of mosquitoes. Everyone but him was getting bit (why mosquitoes leave him alone I have no idea). With this knowledge, I knew this wouldn't be the best place for me. I get bitten up all the time and it's never fun.
So, Key West is no longer a place of interest for us for our wedding. We still have Savannah and Atlantis, but there are still other beaches and resorts we can look into. It's sad because there was one hotel there that I absolutely fell in love with. Most particularly the decor. It was bright and colorful and it looked happy. Below I have pictures of it. Maybe I can use them as inspiration for my apartment in the future.
If I have learned anything from this, it is to check things out in person and not judge from pictures because some times they aren't the same.

It's My Relationship

I realized I have never really updated the situation about what has happened with Darren and me concerning our relationship being interfaith. Darren and I have talked about this. I asked him to be completely honest with me. Then I asked if he was 100% ok with me being Catholic. Not only did he say yes, but he said he prefers the interfaith relationship. We both have been raised in our faiths our whole lives, and never really had a say in what we're to believe in.
That being said, I have looked at other churches when I was in high school because I was unsure of what I really believed in. I looked at so many, learning more and more about each religion. What made me stay in the Catholic Church is because whenever I went to Mass, I felt this feeling in my chest. It was as if the Holy Spirit came inside me and filled me up. That is how I knew that this is where I'm supposed to be.
Back to what I was saying, both Darren and I like the interfaith relationship. It allows us to be more respectful of the other's faith while at the same time, being true to our own. Also, we like the fact of allowing our future children to choose what they want to believe. Like I said, he and I never really had much of a choice. Personally, I really don't care what religion they follow, just as long as they are good people, happy, and contribute to society in a positive way.
I'm sure some are wondering, "How are you going to make it work?" This is something that we talk about a lot. We both want to attend church together, and there are several ways to do so. One option is to attend each church every other week. Another way is with the fact that Mass is also served on Saturday evenings, but of course that may not always happen. We haven't gotten it completely down, but we're working on it. We also plan on compromising when it comes to certain holidays. With my religion, we have some days that are holy days of obligation, in which we must attend Mass. The two main ones are Christmas Eve and Easter. Another big day is Ash Wednesday (although it is not a holy day of obligation). He agrees that we will attend Mass on these days (plus, the Christmas Eve Mass is always so beautiful; I can't imagine not attending it). With him, there isn't really a time that going to church is absolutely necessary (other that a typical Sunday), but he is fine with it.
I can't stress this enough, but I am NOT preventing him from having an eternal marriage. It is HIS choice to be with me. If he wanted it so badly, he would be with a Mormon girl as we speak. I would not be writing this right now. Sure, he and I will still be friends, but that would be it. He wouldn't consider me anymore than that. But that is not the case. He wants to be with me. He's known since we were just friends that I'm Catholic just like I've known that he's Mormon. I may have pursued the relationship, but he didn't have to say yes. He didn't have to choose me. But he did. Looking into his eyes, I can see that he loves me and wants to be with me. We both like how things are with us, and that is all that matters. It's our relationship. The only other person in it is God. Other than that, it's really no one else's place to say what is right and wrong with it. I can understand if it's an abusive relationship, but it isn't. I don't tell you how your relationship should be, so please don't tell me how mine should be.

Think Positive

It's been awhile since I've written, but summer classes have kept me busy. However, that doesn't stop me from thinking about his mission. My feelings about him going really depend on the day. Some days, I am completely fine with it, and other days, I just want to handcuff him to me so he can't leave. Yesterday marked 20 months of being together. 20 months. Just 1/3 of a year shy of being 2 years, which is how long he'll be gone. During that time, our relationship will change. I just pray it will get better, and I can see how it will. We will definitely work on our communication. With the whole mission thing, we can't be mushy like we always are. Some mushiness will be nice, though. But we'll have to talk about things, and I want to do it in depth with him. I want to have a real conversation with him like we used to have when we were friends. He says he wants to know everything that happens. However, I feel a bit hesitant with that. Yes, I'll tell him important things that he would need to know (e.g. if I for some reason needed surgery, etc.). With the small things though, I don't want to distract him with stuff of that sort, like me having a bad day or getting a bad grade (unless I failed out of college; I feel he has the right to know that, but that will most likely not happen). So instead, I'm going to keep a journal where I record everything that happens in those two years and when he comes back, I'll have him read it. It'll take him awhile to get through it, but I know he'll appreciate it.

I'll have school to focus on so I'm not too concerned about doing nothing while he's gone. Like any MG, I will count down to when he comes home, but I don't want to do it by days. 730 days feels like an eternity. I will have an electronic countdown for that, but by hand, I want to do it by weeks and months. I noticed a lot of girls have done a paper chain, and I'm thinking that I want to do that. I'm still debating whether or not I want to do it by weeks or months. Either way, I'll write something on each chain. The first part will be how many weeks down and how many to go. The second thing will be something that I love about him, a favorite memory about us, lyrics to one of our favorite songs, etc. And when that week comes up, I will send it to him in a letter. Just something to make him smile and remember me. And I'll probably spray it with my perfume so he can remember what I smell like.

He got to visit me last Saturday, and it was absolutely amazing. We got to be alone together, and even started looking at Atlantis for our (praying this will work) wedding venue. We both love it but it will cost a lot of money. I want to wait two years when he comes home that way he can settle back into a normal routine, get into a community college to become an EMT, and we can both save up some money to make it happen. With me being in PT school when he comes back, I can really be anywhere. I'm currently looking at six different schools: three in GA, one in FL, one in SC, and one in NC. Four of these six schools have a nearby community college that offers EMT, so those will be my top choices. I feel that I should take him into consideration. I want to be with him and I want to be close to him when he comes back. He already said he'll move to wherever I am so I should at least be considerate in picking out where to live. I know a lot of people say not to, but even with him not in the picture, I will still be choosing these places; having a school nearby for him is really a bonus. More about the schools and my decisions with them will be on my other blog: Life as a Pre-PT Student (see side panel). However, with the wedding plans, he was expecting it about three months after he comes back. I wouldn't be able to handle that. So much goes into planning a wedding and three months in not much time to plan one, especially a destination wedding. Maybe we'll be able to come up with a compromise and figure out something that will work with the both of us.

Two years. Seems like a lot, while at the same time, feels like nothing compared to the rest of our lives. Sometimes I feel like it will be torture but good for us at the same time. It will help us become better people. We'll learn patience, communication, and really appreciate one another. Even though I would love for him to come the community college near me right now and us able to see each other all the time, I am really beginning to believe that these two years will have a positive impact on our relationship. I'll just have to keep thinking positive this whole time, which will probably include inspirational quotes all over my bedroom and bathroom mirror and an alarm that says "you can do it" for 22 seconds which I have gotten from this:

 I'm sure I've put it on the MG website before but we can always use a little reminder :) I hope this all inspires you!

Risks

Every decision has them. But none are like deciding to date a Mormon guy (or girl). This is relevant to people who aren't part of the Mormon faith. Personally, I do not have a problem with the faith; I just don't believe in it. This can cause friction in a relationship, and it has done so before in my relationship with Darren. A few months after we started dating, he began talking about eternal marriage, and in order for that to happen, I would have to convert. Boy, was I angry at him then, but mainly, I was hurt. How could he have asked me that when I'm a devout Catholic, and he's known this about me since we were friends? I had a feeling that this relationship wasn't going to last. Before, the different faiths weren't that big of a deal with us. Then this came up and it felt that he was trying to change who I am. However, we talked about it and he apologized for it. The subject never came up again.

I can't be totally mad at him though. He was brought up with the belief of eternal marriage, so it's only natural that he would want it. But I was hurt with it. I never asked him to convert to my religion, so why would he do that to me? Yes, it would be easier to be in a relationship with someone of the same religion, but to change just for the other person isn't going to make things easier. It'll make the person who changed end up resenting the other person. Converting religions isn't something that should be taken lightly. Your heart has to believe in the teachings of that religion. He can't make me convert anymore than I can make him. Although we have compromised on what will happen in our household religion-wise, he can always change his mind.

I believe deep in his heart that he wants the eternal marriage, even though he says he's fine without it. If he changes his mind while he's on his mission that he really wants it, then he can have it. It just won't be with me. I want him to be happy, and if that's what will make him so, then that's just how it is. This is what I mean by dating someone Mormon is risky, or anyone of a different faith really. They may really want something that they can only get if they marry within the faith, and sacrifices will have to be made. I do believe that the eternal marriage is a wonderful thing, but I can't change what I believe because of just that. No one can. All I can say is this: Darren and I love each other dearly. We will try our hardest to bring two faiths together. Luckily, we both believe in the same core values, and that is how we will raise our family. It's still risky, but it's a risk worth taking.

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

I really love Elton John. His music is just incredible, and this song in particular I can relate to because of recent events. As several of you know, Darren and I have been having a few problems in the last couple of weeks. Last night was sadly the worst. It was almost the end of us, and I can't even imagine that possible. For those who don't know what happened, here's the story:

Back in February, Darren's parents said that he can come up and visit me at school during the summer since I won't be home again until Thanksgiving, and there's a good chance he'll be gone by then. I was so excited for this: to it just be the two of us away from our parents and friends, and spend some real time together. We had plans to go to Six Flags and Whitewater for two of those weekends, and the first one, I wanted to sit down and just talk about our wedding to see if having it at Atlantis would be possible. I was getting dreams of him being over and we're cuddling and kissing as always, but it feels more special.

Sadly, reality set in quickly. He just wasn't able to come this weekend. Next weekend, his family is going to Tampa and don't want him driving two hours and them not able to be there if something happens. The last weekend in June he has to go to a Saturday class (I do not want to disclose any more for his privacy). It wasn't the fact that all this was happening, because I'm used to not seeing him. It was how he said it. Honestly, it sounded like he didn't care that our chances of seeing each other were decreasing as each day went by. That was what hurt me. I started to feel like I wasn't important to him anymore, while at the same time, I'm spending about 50 hours on a homemade present for him (still not done with it). I already agreed to wait as his girlfriend for his sake while he's gone, but it appeared that he couldn't even give me one tiny thing that I want, which is to see him. I began to feel some horrible emotions, and then I started realizing that I don't deserve this. I've done all that I can for him. I've given my whole heart to him, and to be treated this way wasn't acceptable. I previously had gone through a relationship like this back in high school, but back then, I didn't know my self-worth. I do now and I know I deserved more.

I told him I was done with this relationship. I was done doing everything for him and getting nothing in return for it. I kept telling him over and over my concerns about all of this, and he never really did anything to rectify it. He listened, but there was no action. I asked him what I was even getting from him if I waited, and what he told me was one of the sweetest things ever. I know some of you have read it, but here's for those who haven't:

"You're getting someone who cares about you more than anything else and would put down anything to talk to you whether you're happy or... sad. Who will do anything to understand what you need from me and everything in my power to do just that. Who will care for you when you're sick and sad, when you're healthy and happy, or when you're mad. I beg at your feet when you get mad because you're worth it. And I know you said don't change but changing will make things easier and I'm willing to change. I'm willing to go out of my way for you to make sure you're safe. And no matter what happens I'll listen and do my best to understand. Even when I get mad, I'll calm down and fix it immediately."
He got me to calm down so we can talk about it without being a scream fest. With that, he told me he was actually crying thirty minutes before he texted me about what happened. I wish he would have told me when he was crying. I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. Sure I still would have been upset that he wasn't coming until July, but at least I would have known he cared. He apologized for it. We told each other what we need out of this relationship, and I realize I'm quick to jump when things aren't going the way I want them to be. I know he's human and he makes mistakes, but I know he loves me and cares about me. I know he would do anything for me if he can do it. He wants me happy, and I can't ask anymore out of him. We apologized to each other and promised to try and work on our problem areas so not only we can be better for each other, but better people in general.

Even though I love Elton John, sorry isn't the hardest word. Goodbye is, especially if it's someone you love.

Down Week

I know it's been about a week since I blogged, but so much has happened since then. I got to see Darren again on Memorial Day. We went to see the new Pirates movie (which was AWESOME!!! Totally going to see it again with my mom). Afterward, we went to get some dinner and we took it to a new park nearby. As we were eating, I got this sad feeling building up inside me, and I became slightly depressed. He noticed immediately and asked what was wrong. I told him how I was feeling about the whole missionary thing and him leaving and how I was upset with myself because I thought that I was over feeling that way. I don't want him to think I'm not supporting him, because I do. I was close to tears but he kept on telling me to not cry, so I respected his wishes. He took me home and we sat on my back porch. He held me close to him and made sure that I knew that he wasn't going to leave me. He assured that he cares about me and he will continue to love me and write me every week. Looking into his eyes, I can see he was telling the truth. I saw the love he has for me because I have the same expression in mine when I'm with him. However, there was still something that was bugging me.
The next day, I spent most of the day texting him and my mom (who was in PA this past week). My mom knew that I wasn't sure if I was going to wait as his friend or his girlfriend and asked for an update. I still wasn't sure, but I knew that he and I needed to talk about it. So, we did it by text. Definitely not the way I wanted it to go. I would have preferred to do it in person, but that's just how things go. Pretty much he begged me to stay together. I can understand why. He isn't close with many people, and he's paranoid. He didn't want to lose me, and he didn't want to take that risk. As I was telling him that things wouldn't be different either way, he blurted out that he was planning on proposing to me this summer when he came to visit me at school. I couldn't believe it! I seriously thought that he was going to wait until he got back. He told me that so I wouldn't suspect it. In the end, we made a compromise: I'll wait for him as his girlfriend and he'll wait to propose until he comes back. I felt that waiting for that would be best. If he proposed and then left, it wouldn't feel like we were engaged. Technically we are now (he proposed over a year ago), but it really doesn't feel like it. We can't make plans for anything right now and I don't have a ring to show off. As for me waiting, I really don't mind it this way. Even though I can't really consider him my boyfriend while he's gone, I'm not really a dater. I prefer being friends with guys before considering them as a boyfriend. Less pressure that way and I get to know the real them.
Ever since Monday night, I kept asking Darren to see him again one more time before I leave for school this coming Wednesday. I'm not able to tomorrow or Tuesday since I have volunteering and have to get everything ready to go back. We weren't able to Friday (why I'm not sure), but we could have yesterday. His mom pretty much told him that he had to leave the house and go somewhere, so he went to a mutual friend's house. Usually when he goes over there, he asks me to come along too. I was expecting this text but it never happened. For about an hour I waited for a text from him and slowly became paranoid myself. I began to feel that he didn't want anything to do with me and he was distancing himself from me. I became angry and wrote angry texts to him. It continues to snowball up to the point where I was done with the relationship. He finally told me that our friend's mom wasn't home and had no service so he couldn't reach her to ask. Then our friend started texting me asking if everything was ok and that he's worried about both of us (the friend and his family completely supports our relationship). Somehow I finally calmed down and we were able to talk about it. I was still hurting because it didn't feel like he was trying to find a way for us to be together one last time. He threw out several possibilities that could have worked if he thought it through, but it's difficult for him because he's ADHD. In the end, he convinced me to stay with him and actually told me how he planned to originally propose to me (he was going to do a scavenger hunt where I had to follow a trial to chocolate, roses, and then the front door where he would be on his knees with the ring in hand).
Overall this wasn't a good week. I wish it were though. I wish I could have seen him one more time, just to be in his arms and him kissing me. Now, I have to wait until he visits me at school, and I have no idea when that will be. It's hard missing him all the time even though he's only ten minutes away from me and I can hardly see him. Some days, I wish that my family didn't move into the house that we're in now because then I would be a five minute walk from him and able to see him everyday that I'm home. I know things happen for a reason, but I'm still wondering what the reason for me moving away from him was.