Down Week

I know it's been about a week since I blogged, but so much has happened since then. I got to see Darren again on Memorial Day. We went to see the new Pirates movie (which was AWESOME!!! Totally going to see it again with my mom). Afterward, we went to get some dinner and we took it to a new park nearby. As we were eating, I got this sad feeling building up inside me, and I became slightly depressed. He noticed immediately and asked what was wrong. I told him how I was feeling about the whole missionary thing and him leaving and how I was upset with myself because I thought that I was over feeling that way. I don't want him to think I'm not supporting him, because I do. I was close to tears but he kept on telling me to not cry, so I respected his wishes. He took me home and we sat on my back porch. He held me close to him and made sure that I knew that he wasn't going to leave me. He assured that he cares about me and he will continue to love me and write me every week. Looking into his eyes, I can see he was telling the truth. I saw the love he has for me because I have the same expression in mine when I'm with him. However, there was still something that was bugging me.
The next day, I spent most of the day texting him and my mom (who was in PA this past week). My mom knew that I wasn't sure if I was going to wait as his friend or his girlfriend and asked for an update. I still wasn't sure, but I knew that he and I needed to talk about it. So, we did it by text. Definitely not the way I wanted it to go. I would have preferred to do it in person, but that's just how things go. Pretty much he begged me to stay together. I can understand why. He isn't close with many people, and he's paranoid. He didn't want to lose me, and he didn't want to take that risk. As I was telling him that things wouldn't be different either way, he blurted out that he was planning on proposing to me this summer when he came to visit me at school. I couldn't believe it! I seriously thought that he was going to wait until he got back. He told me that so I wouldn't suspect it. In the end, we made a compromise: I'll wait for him as his girlfriend and he'll wait to propose until he comes back. I felt that waiting for that would be best. If he proposed and then left, it wouldn't feel like we were engaged. Technically we are now (he proposed over a year ago), but it really doesn't feel like it. We can't make plans for anything right now and I don't have a ring to show off. As for me waiting, I really don't mind it this way. Even though I can't really consider him my boyfriend while he's gone, I'm not really a dater. I prefer being friends with guys before considering them as a boyfriend. Less pressure that way and I get to know the real them.
Ever since Monday night, I kept asking Darren to see him again one more time before I leave for school this coming Wednesday. I'm not able to tomorrow or Tuesday since I have volunteering and have to get everything ready to go back. We weren't able to Friday (why I'm not sure), but we could have yesterday. His mom pretty much told him that he had to leave the house and go somewhere, so he went to a mutual friend's house. Usually when he goes over there, he asks me to come along too. I was expecting this text but it never happened. For about an hour I waited for a text from him and slowly became paranoid myself. I began to feel that he didn't want anything to do with me and he was distancing himself from me. I became angry and wrote angry texts to him. It continues to snowball up to the point where I was done with the relationship. He finally told me that our friend's mom wasn't home and had no service so he couldn't reach her to ask. Then our friend started texting me asking if everything was ok and that he's worried about both of us (the friend and his family completely supports our relationship). Somehow I finally calmed down and we were able to talk about it. I was still hurting because it didn't feel like he was trying to find a way for us to be together one last time. He threw out several possibilities that could have worked if he thought it through, but it's difficult for him because he's ADHD. In the end, he convinced me to stay with him and actually told me how he planned to originally propose to me (he was going to do a scavenger hunt where I had to follow a trial to chocolate, roses, and then the front door where he would be on his knees with the ring in hand).
Overall this wasn't a good week. I wish it were though. I wish I could have seen him one more time, just to be in his arms and him kissing me. Now, I have to wait until he visits me at school, and I have no idea when that will be. It's hard missing him all the time even though he's only ten minutes away from me and I can hardly see him. Some days, I wish that my family didn't move into the house that we're in now because then I would be a five minute walk from him and able to see him everyday that I'm home. I know things happen for a reason, but I'm still wondering what the reason for me moving away from him was.