It Just Doesn't Go Away

There has been trouble in paradise. I've had days where I just wanted to give up and never look back. This hasn't been recent for me. Actually, it has been ongoing for years. It's something that I've rarely told people about me, but I feel like I shouldn't hide things anymore. I've hidden behind a wall that I've built up for so long, and it's time to tear it down.
I've been depressed ever since I was fourteen. However, I've never been diagnosed depressed. I never let anyone look at me, nor did I feel the need to. I thought it would pass away eventually. Obviously, it didn't. A lot of changes happened to me that caused my depression. My first boyfriend broke my heart badly (broke up with me for another girl). I was moving from a place that I called home for almost five years to a new area. It was the longest I ever stayed in one home and so many memories were made there. Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled. I wanted to go to high school with my friends. Instead I had to make new ones. It wasn't too terrible at the new school. I still wasn't happy, but I managed. I became good friends with some people, and I'm still in contact with them today. I rejoined band, and that school had an amazing band program. There was a guy who showed interest in me. However, I couldn't show interest back. My time there was short-lived.
Right after freshman year, we moved again. I really wasn't happy with this one. People were rude to me the moment I got there, and it wasn't easy making friends. I automatically joined band, but that also showed difficulty in making friends. This school only had grades 10-12, so I had to start at the bottom of the totem pole once again. Majority of my friends that year were seniors so they graduated at the end of that year. Junior year was a little better. I became closer to some people. I got back with my ex. That was a long and difficult journey. To condense it, it was long distance, we fought all the time, and it made me realize I was an idiot for thinking of wanting a future with him. I wasn't a good person with him. I rebelled against my parents and it affected my relationship with them. Thankfully I didn't do something incredibly stupid. We mutually broke up and never talked again. I dated someone new as a rebound, but I only saw him as a friend, so that lasted only three months. Still, I wasn't happy there. In fact, I was probably most miserable there. I knew I was considered an outsider and was stereotyped as stupid in the beginning since I moved there from the South.
I would spend many nights crying myself to sleep those years. It never felt like I was actually living. More like me just going through the motions. There were times when I wanted to take a razor blade to my wrists or starve myself. Thankfully, I was given the strength not to do so. Senior year I moved back to Georgia. That year was the best by far. I was happiest then. I made tons of friends. I met Darren, who taught me how to love again. I believe that we were meant to be in each others' lives. He always made me smile whenever he was near. He gave me comfort. With him, I felt safe and loved. I was ecstatic when he and I started going out. It was a dream come true.
The dream was hard to hold onto with me being in college when we started going out. It was a distance relationship, but continue to see each other whenever I came home. But college got the best of me. I became stressed about classes all the time. I wasn't really involved since I knew I was going to transfer, but it still didn't make things better. I continued to be depressed. It got worse when Mike died. I never fully recovered from that. To this day, I still cry about it, wishing that it was a dream. I transferred schools this past January. I really thought that this would be my time and that I would finally be happy. Instead, I became more stressed about school, and it really affected me. I would freak over the smallest things, escalating it higher than before. I had tons of breakdowns. I constantly worry about doing well in school and making it through all this. This concerned my family and Darren. I wasn't happy anymore. I forgot what it meant to be happy. And it was my doing. I gave up things that I enjoyed so much. I allowed petty things tear me down. I made my self-confidence diminish. I tried so hard to change it, but depression isn't something that goes away overnight. It stays a long time, and it affects you and those around you. I don't want to be depressed, but I'm lost in what the first step will be to reverse it. I want to wake up smiling and keep that smile all day and not fake it. I want to be truly happy again.